With the Chicago Bears visiting Washington to play the Redskins on Sunday, President Barack Obama should just cancel the game as a hate crime.
"If I were the owner of the team and I knew that the name of my team — even if they've had a storied history — was offending a sizable group of people, I'd think about changing it," Obama said recently, in the same measured and reasonable tone he used to warn conservatives before the IRS came knocking.
The Skins have big cultural clout in America. One of the historic teams in the NFL, they're beloved by the federal city establishment, the politicians, bureaucrats and media elite. They've got to know the name is racist, but they don't want to be bossed. They're the ones who boss other people around.
So I've come up with a political compromise to save the president and Washington fans further embarrassment.
Sure, we eliminate the name Redskins, but while we're at it, we eliminate the nicknames for all the teams of the National Concussion and Brain Trauma League.
For example, the Chicago Bears? Ever see a bear in Chicago? No. Ever see a lion in Detroit?
There are no pirates in Oakland or Tampa Bay, no eagles in Philadelphia and no stinky, musky male sheep scampering on those high mountain peaks of St. Louis.
Team nicknames are by their nature hurtful to somebody. They objectify our innocent four-footed and pirate friends.
So let's replace such outmoded hate speech with better alternatives. Let's change the names to reflect the true character of each NFL city.
Therefore, I decree the Chicago Bears would become the Chicago Indicted Politicians or Chicago Bagmen. Or maybe the Chicago Beefs.
The Philadelphia Eagles would become the Philadelphia Who the (deleted) Are You Lookin' At? Or perhaps the Philadelphia We Hate Your (bleeping) Face would work. Or how about Philadelphia Haters for short.
The Kansas City Chiefs would become the Kansas City Too Sweet Ketchup-Based Sauce. Or, better yet, the Kansas City Borings or the KC Who Really Wants to Live There?
The former Seahawks would become the Seattle Overpriced Coffees or the Seattle Hipsters who wear Thick Framed Glasses That Will Go Out of Style and Their Children Will Mock Them.
Continuing the list, we'd have the Detroit Packs of Wild Dogs Roaming in a Once-Vibrant City; the St. Louis Whatevers; the Tampa Whatever the Cuban Guys Want; the New York Neurotics and a second New York team, the Ridiculous Real Estate Prices.
And the San Diego Why Does Dad Keep Taking Off for Tijuana over the Weekends? And on and on. You get the picture.
And the Washington Redskins?
Only a few years ago, Skins fans would have found a name change inconceivable, especially when wearing their Hogettes outfits: plastic pig snouts and women's dresses, wigs, and floppy Bella Abzug hats.
But alternative nicknames come easy. They'd be the Washington Debtors or the Spendthrifts.
Or the Washington Steal Candy from the Babies. Or Perhaps the Washington Free Exotic Vacations. My favorite would be:
The Washington We Gorge on Pork and Make You Saps Pay for It While Our Spouses Make Fortunes as Lobbyists or in Cush Jobs in So-Called Not-for-Profits and Journalists Never Ask Us About This Because Their Spouses Do the Same.