Droopy Chia candidates get a do-over

Clearly, Shooter is well on her way to becoming an undersecretary of agriculture, or assuming some other Washington job where the real talent lies in discovering that the blame always lies elsewhere.

"It's not my fault if they're both poor candidates, that they're running poor campaigns. Look at the evidence," she said. "The wars, Libya, crises in the Middle East, the economy is bad, Big Bird might be out of a job. These things aren't my fault."

They're George Bush's fault, right?

"I'm just a gardener," she said.

I'm just a gardener.

A gardener who was given a cactus by her plant-loving husband.

"The cactus is still alive," Shooter said.

The Chias were still alive at one point, too, before Shooter worked her magic. Chia Romney really took off after the presidential debate, expanding in green, glorious waves. Then the job numbers came in, and the heads of both Romney and Obama became discolored and droopy. It's entirely possible that Shooter underwatered them and then overwatered them.

Obama was worse off. He seemed to sweat from his upper lip.

"It was more like crying," Shooter corrected. "It looked to me like Romney was sweating."

In any case, Chia Obama had trouble retaining moisture.

"His head just couldn't hold water," another witness said.

So Shooter persuaded me to approve a Chia redux. She scraped the heads, as I told you, holding them firmly while scouring their scalps with a clean plastic knife from the Corner Bakery, and then replanted them with more Chia seeds.

"I think it'll work this time, as long as we water them," she said, adding that when you don't water the Chias, "they get sad. They wilt. And you have no Hopium or Gropium crops."


So even though we're cutting it close to the election, we're redoing the Chia contest. One thing about Americans, we can learn from our mistakes and move forward.

I know that Republicans will accuse me of being part of a liberal media plot, since Romney was doing somewhat better than Obama before we decided to start over. But they should look at it this way: This is our Etch A Sketch moment.


Twitter @John_Kass