September 28, 2012
As nominations poured in for the stupendous Moutza of the Month award for September, President Barack Obama was avoiding meeting with world leaders because he had something more important to do: hang out on daytime TV with the ladies of "The View."
"I told folks I'm just supposed to be eye candy for you guys," he joked, sitting with first lady Michelle Obama. And just like that, he gave himself a new name.
President Eye Candy.
What if Republican Mitt Romney referred to himself as "Gov. Eye Candy," perhaps as he brushed lint from his creased khakis? There would be a terrible silence. An awkward silence. And when he left the set, they'd ridicule him to death.
I've half a mind to give President Eye Candy the Moutza of the Month. It would be so easy. Just spread your fingers wide, thrust the palm at him, and say "Nah!" (Here, take it!) The way they do in Greece between riots because they spent themselves into debt and fiscal oblivion.
But I promised back in July that I could never Moutza the president. He's the president, dang it! The office demands respect. So no Moutza for you, Mr. President Eye Candy. I mean it.
Who else then? Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. Let's see.
Other prime Moutza of the Month candidates — coming in from readers and friends — include Agriculture Secretary Tom "Pack a Snack" Vilsack.
He's the poor sap who had to enforce one of Michelle Obama's edicts, to reduce calories of school lunches to about 750 to 850 calories because kids were too fat. Only problem, not all kids are fat, and those who are hungry, including athletes (and fat kids) eat constantly. And they complained they were starving to death. Some kids in Kansas even made a video to the tune of "We Are Young" by Fun, but they titled their parody "We Are Hungry."
It became rather embarrassing. Finally, Secretary Pack a Snack was compelled to back off and issue an edict telling parents to please slip those hungry kids some snacks.
There is an old photo of Vilsack wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume as part of an event with little kids (who were most likely well-fed). It actually looked more like Winnie had just given birth to Vilsack's head. And for that disturbing image now stuck in my mind, he deserves a Moutza. Nah!
Other worthy candidates include Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Chicago Teachers Union President Karen Lewis, for being the drama queens of the teachers strike, which gave a raise to union members but did little to fundamentally change the system.
So on Facebook, reader Kevin B. wrote: "CPS and the CTU, double moutza. Remember, it's about the children!"
Republican Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker fought the unions in Wisconsin. But on Monday night the Green Bay Packers were allegedly robbed of a win over Seattle because of a bad call by replacement referees filling in for locked-out NFL refs.
Walker tweeted: "After catching a few hours of sleep, the #Packers game is still just as painful. #Returntherealrefs." So, Gov. Pro-Business, standing tough against organized labor is OK, as long as your beloved Packers don't cry and stamp their feet? Nah! Take five, you Packer-loving compromiser. Nah!
And at a recent concert, middle-aged singer Madonna threatened to take off all her clothes should her favorite candidate, President Eye Candy, win re-election. She took off most of her clothes anyway, to reveal the president's name on her back. "When Obama is in the White House for a second term I'll take it all off," she said, threatening the nation.
There's nothing more terrible than an aging pop star wanting to take it all off for the good of the country. Obama should give her the Moutza for pushing voters forward to Romney. But like Pack a Snack and Walker, Madonna earns only a runner-up Moutza, not the monthly honor. Nah!
Which brings us to the lawyers at the American Civil Liberties Union. That's the hallowed organization that protects our liberties, unless you want to throw a father-daughter dance at your school. Once awakened, the ACLU breathed its hot, lawyerly breath upon a school district in Cranston, R.I., decrying "gender-specific events."
So the dance was canceled — because a dad dancing with his daughter is somehow discriminatory — and the ACLU released a snippy statement:
"The time has long since passed for public school resources to encourage stereotyping from the days of Ozzie and Harriet. Not every girl today is interested in growing up to be Cinderella — not even in Cranston. In fact, one of them might make a great major league baseball player someday."
The ACLU left out the part about the major league ballplayer who never got to go to her father-daughter dance. I can just see her now, on the mound at Sox Park in a tight ballgame, spitting tobacco into the dirt as Robin Ventura comes up to chat, just wishing she could have danced with her dad.
When I wrote a column about the dance, the ACLU whined about it, demanding redress. And so, to properly redress the group, I spread my fingers wide and waited. Until now. For opposing father-daughter school dances, for whining and for being so lazy as to use "The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet" as a rhetorical whip, you get a triple Moutza of the Month for September.
Nah!, Nah! and Nah!
Now go drink a couple of glasses of common sense.
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