The moutzes of September are already flying as high as Raytheon stock while President Barack Obama considers sending Tomahawk cruise missiles toward Syria, at a reported cost of about a million dollars apiece.
Yet there's one little problem with the Moutza of the Month.
What the heck happened to the grand moutza of August? We're already into September.
Yes, I missed the August deadline. Many of you know why. I'd been on staycation, which for me involved sleeping late, barbecuing at odd hours, reading picaresque novels of another age without interruption, enjoying soccer, drinking cans of Hamm's and fine-tuning an August art form: the ultimate bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.
One night I pulled an all-nighter watching James Burke's excellent documentary series "The Day the Universe Changed" on a laptop on my deck.
Yet before returning to work, I put out a general Moutza call on Facebook. And I received a full frontal for my pains.
Reader John K. nominated "John Kass, for working on his staycation! Nahhhh!"
August was one of the finest Moutza crops seen in lo these many years. Several judges, a Democratic mayor of San Diego waging a war against women and the former Hannah Montana were among those fighting for the prize.
Others included MSNBC host Chris Matthews, who once famously felt a tingle running up his leg for Obama. Now he argues that even Hitler didn't use chemical weapons.
Pardon my moutza? Hitler didn't use chemicals on innocent people? Really?
"I nominate Chris Matthews for saying not even Hitler used chemical weapons," wrote reader Avy M. on Facebook. "Does he think the gas chambers were green technology?"
These candidates and more could have received the ancient curse of contempt of my grandfathers, including Nabisco for allegedly shorting us on Double Stuf Oreos.
You need fingers to properly dunk a Double Stuf Oreo into milk, and you also need fingers to give a proper moutza: The palm open, fingers spread, thrust at the target, a hearty shout of "Nah!" or "Here, take five" or my favorite, "Feesa etho" (Blow right here).
Adam W. of Wheaton said I deserved the Moutza of the Month for disrespecting his wife's favorite poultry dish.
"You, (receive a moutza) for stating that chicken feet wouldn't be good to eat," wrote Adam W. "My wife grew up in China and introduced me to eating chicken feet at dim sum. They are her favorite dish. Granted, I am not a huge fan of them, but they are not too bad. As any married man knows, the wife knows best."
Adam W. sought to soften his moutza by also nominating an insect, specifically the Eastern cicada killer wasp, as detailed in a Tribune article. Why?
The female wasp stings a hapless cicada to paralyze it before taking it to a hole in the ground and burying it alive. Then she deposits her eggs into the poor creature so that her babies may feast on fresh cicada meat.
The young must receive nourishment. And nature is pitiless, indeed.
"After reading this, I imagine this is what (Illinois House Speaker Boss) Madigan and his Springfield buddies do to us Illinois taxpayers," writes Adam W.
They sting us. They lay their eggs. And their young grow strong and powerful.