Kass: Show some appreciation for the new prince

There's nothing more zealous than a royal baby convert. That's why I'm so livid about those hateful tweets.

"I don't care about the royal baby," tweeted @HughesJack, "such a bunch of overexaggerated crap. Ugh."

"Don't care about the royal baby," tweeted @JamesSisterson, "in fact, I'm going to tweet, expressing my non-care, just in case people thought I did care. Which I don't."

There are others much too vulgar to mention here. Yet in the face of all this sordid evidence, there are those who still insist on pretending there isn't any royal baby hating going on.

Denials of royal baby hating are not only insulting, they feed the animus. And we royal baby story lovers don't like it.

"I'm not some royal baby hater," insisted a guy outside Tribune Tower. "Really, I'm not."

In the passive-aggressive manner of most royal baby haters, he tried to explain it with obscure phrases nobody in America really understands, phrases like "the Republic" and "democracy" and "the Declaration of Independence" and "the Constitution."

"The never-ending news coverage is making me sick," said the guy. "Aren't we past the time of kings? We're Americans, we're about democracy, we don't believe in divine right of kings. And then all the gushing coverage, royal baby this, royal baby that, royal baby, royal baby! And what name will they give the royal baby? It's driving me crazy."

I stared at him and said nothing.

"What?" he said. "What?"

Man, you sound just like some royal baby hater. Stop hating on that little royal baby, dude.

"I just told you! It's more complicated," he said. "You just can't lump me in with the irrational royal baby haters."

Ah, but of course I will lump you in with them. That's the beauty of the media. We have our own magic trick.

It's called the royal baby straw man.

I'll simply take your nuanced arguments about democracy and divine rights and "the Republic" and other smart-aleck stuff like "the Constitution" and lump them right in there with all the stupid, wacky royal baby hater spewings from the Russians and those ugly tweets.

Then guess what happens?

Your nuance disappears and you're pinned like an insect. And if you open your mouth to defend yourself, well, you'll sound just like that other bitter royal baby hater, the Russian Labor Party leader and wacko, Vladimir Zhirinovsky.

"That British monarchy ... destroyed our state," Zhirinovsky insisted to the state-run news agency RIA Novosti. "That is why the birth of another British monarch, who will suck our blood somewhere in the mid-21st century, cannot bring us any kind of happiness."

Well, the child has brought happiness to many others, including England, the British tourism industry and Mrs. Kass.

So smile, royal baby. Don't listen to the haters.

Be a good son. Be a good king.

jskass@tribune.com

Twitter @John_Kass

CHICAGO

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