Royal baby haters.
They're out there. They're everywhere.
And with the birth of the beautiful royal baby boy in England the other day to the lovely Kate Middleton and her husband, Prince William, a horde of royal baby haters have been revealed, venting their anti-royalist spleens.
"I don't hate the royal baby," said a fellow of Irish extraction with the middle names Thomas Aquinas Francis Xavier. "Not the baby. The baby's fine. It's the royal part I don't like."
Ah, but you can't pick and choose and make complicated arguments about kings and democracy. You must take a side.
Either you're with the royal baby or you're against him. I'm with him. And if you're not with me, you're against me, and therefore a hater and perhaps even stupid.
That's how we roll in the American media.
The hustler Al Sharpton is against the royal baby. He mocked the child on the official anti-royal baby news network, MSNBC. Sharpton went so far as to offer the little prince a onesie emblazoned with the logo of his television show. Then he held up a blueberry pie.
"We hope he wears this as he's watching us," Sharpton said. "And I have a blueberry pie for his parents."
Why a pie? And why blueberry? Is the House of Windsor particularly fond of blueberries?
A Russian politician also got involved, predicting that the royal baby will grow to amass great power and eventually suck their blood sometime around the year 2050.
That's right, suck their blood.
This wild claim was likely abetted by the British papers mentioning that one of the child's ancestors is Vlad the Impaler, the legendary warrior who was the foundation of the Dracula vampire myth.
To make matters worse, my colleague Old School decided to watch "The Omen" to prepare himself for the blessed royal event. The original one, with Lee Remick and the chubby devil kid. Old School was scared.
"It's all that power and wealth and privilege," he said. "And Megiddo and the city of Jezreel and the priest. I knew what would happen but it scared the heck out of me anyway. Besides, you told me to watch it."
Yes, I did. In preparation for the birth of the royal, I did ask Old School to watch "The Omen." My bad.
Now, I confess, I was something of a royal baby hater myself and I asked this question on Facebook: What's worse? Sushi Mondays or the royal baby?
But I've evolved. My wife, Betty, cured me.
"I'm telling you this," she said, as if issuing a proclamation. "Do not mock that baby. And do not mock Kate Middleton, either."
I won't, honey. I promise.