June 2, 2013
The human hand can hold a violin, paintbrush, poet’s pen, even a meat cleaver.
But in the case of Attorney General Eric Holder, perhaps an empty hand is best.
So spread your fingers wide, thrust your naked, open palm in Holder’s general direction and say the magic word of my ancestors:
Yes, it’s Moutza of the Month time, this one for the May Moutza.
Though Holder appears desperate for the honor — so much so that in a photograph he appears to give a Moutza to a congressional committee — there are many others who are worthy.
People like Internal Revenue Service boss Lois “The Fifth” Lerner, the allegedly murderous Florida phone butt-dialer, the White Sox for dropping three out of three games to the Cubs, and a mommy named Heather.
Heather Barringer, 27, and her husband, Adam, 29, left North Carolina recently for Pohoa, Hawaii, according to the Charlotte Observer.
She planned to swim with dolphins and “bond” with them, before giving birth in a pool of dolphins.
“It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins,” said Heather, “so we can coexist in this world together and learn from one another.”
Isn’t that nice? Two semi-intelligent predator species together in the water, celebrating the birth of a helpless infant, one species with teeth. Dolphins aren’t vegans, dude.
Oh, one more thing, Heather:
At least she could have considered bearing a child on land, say in a den of Siberian wolves and call him “Forest Boy.” Or with hyenas on a hill. Maybe in a river with piranhas.
It’s not all about you, Heather. It’s all about the child. There’s a reason for hospitals. Let’s hope you never have to learn this.
But you go right ahead and deliver your firstborn into a pool of intelligent sea creatures that eat meat, have rows of sharp teeth and have been known to bite tourists.
Remember Flipper, Heather? He says Nah! too.
Speaking of Moutzes, Time magazine is once again breaking the bonds of decency with the journalistic equivalent of something once illegal in many states.
It’s Time’s Rahm Emanuel Big Love Extravaganza, with the Rahmfather on the cover. He stands on an “L” platform, hands in his pockets. The headline? “Chicago Bull.”
Time lauds him for fighting with the Chicago Teachers Union, saying: “It’s not a strategy the old Rahm would have advised a candidate to follow.” Really, Time?
Just a few years ago, a Time/CNN piece offered up a similar gush job on Mayor Richard Daley, who was said to watch over Chicago the way Andy Griffith’s fictional sheriff watched over Mayberry.
The Time correspondent and author of the Daley love piece?
Jay Carney, now press secretary to President Barack Obama.
The Time profile of the Rahmfather is just one of many big-media wet kisses to the mayor. CNN has lined up Robert Redford to do a series on Rahm’s Chicago, to make Rahm look even more heroic. Is there something going on here? Or is it just part of the Clinton-Emanuel 2016 presidential campaign?
Oh, I almost forgot: Time?
Speaking of bull, what of Filomena “The Finger” Tobias? She’s the wealthy Miami Heat fan captured in a photo during the Bulls-Heat playoff series giving “the finger” to Bulls center Joakim Noah.
The finger photo went viral. Worse, we had to learn all about her love life, and that business of how she was once accused in a lawsuit of having killed her fourth husband by drugging him out of his mind, then promising him wild pool sex with a Florida male go-go dancer named Tiger.
She beat the lawsuit by settling with her former in-laws, but there’s one thing Filomena the Finger can’t beat. An open palm.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Heat basketball star Dwyane Wade — an alumnus of Richards High School — wore ridiculous Capri pants with a suit.
He bared so much flesh in those stupid pedal pushers that he was ridiculed by former NBA stars Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal on national television.
I’m no fashion maven, but Richards Bulldogs don’t wear pedal pushers, dude.
In Florida, a moron named Scott Simon, 24, mistakenly butt-dialed 911 and began talking. A short time later, a Simon acquaintance had the misfortune of getting himself shot to death.
The 911 police dispatcher allegedly overheard Simon talking about how he’d follow the acquaintance home and end the man’s life. Simon was charged with murder.
The pair had argued at a Waffle House. You think they fought over the check?
Meanwhile, the political world is crawling with desire for the Moutza, including Lerner, the IRS boss whose division targeted conservative political groups before the last election.
She told Congress she did nothing wrong, then clammed up and took the Fifth Amendment.
Lois, you think you can first testify on your own behalf proclaiming your innocence before saying you can’t answer questions?
But the May Moutza of the Month goes to none other than Attorney General Holder, who testified before Congress that he didn’t know anything about his department going after reporters’ emails and other information. Yet he forgot to mention he signed off on the search warrant.
Sources close to him were quoted as saying he really felt bad about it afterward.
Mr. Holder, at least you’ll have something to cherish when the president asks for your resignation. Aren’t you proud of stepping on the Constitution you pretend to value?
Eric, please accept May’s Moutza of the Month.
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