Mr. President: Save us from Xbox One

Naturally, Microsoft insists that it won't watch you if you don't want it to watch you.

"If you want privacy, we'll give you modes that ensure your privacy," Jeff Henshaw, a Microsoft grand poobah, said this week.

"'If" you want privacy? Modes?"

Such passive language has long been the moist, shadowy ground where the cobra waits for the mouse.

"It's not the case where you'll be able to remove the camera altogether," Henshaw admitted. "But you'll be able to put the system in modes where you can be completely secure about the fact that the camera is off and can't see you."

Isn't that the kind of thing that techies always say? And then they laugh. Mirthlessly.

This is the part of the movie where the scientist shows you the cute little dinosaur babies.

"This adorable miniature Velociraptor will never grow and never attack its human masters. You can be completely secure," says the kind scientist.

And you know what happens to him.

Old School doesn't just go around demanding presidential drone strikes on Xbox One because he feels like it.

He's spent years professionally studying game consoles, reviewing and analyzing video games for a great metropolitan newspaper.

And on weekdays, he helps out with the column.

So Old School doesn't merely think that the Xbox One is evil. He knows it's evil.

"Because it spies on you," he said.

This week, the fancy game console was revealed to much fanfare over the Internet.

Gamers and people who just have to have the latest technology in their homes (to make the rest of us feel stupid) were squealing with delight and glee.

It has superior technology making video gaming even more addictive than that of older models. It also has a Blu-ray player, the better to show extreme detail.

And serious video game players are expected to love all the features.

"It's supposed to be great for gamers," said a young bearded fellow with hipster glasses and skinny mustard-colored pants. "But what I don't like about the Xbox One is that I'll have to buy all new games."