"They are weaned off diapers because they will just pee wherever they damn please — not necessarily in private," writes Mary Z. in an angry, mocking tone. "So the next time you see someone in Wrigleyville or by the Cell stumbling away from a bar after a ball game and they go on someone's lawn, you can say it's OK 'cause they learned through 'elimination communication' and it's not an evil concept. Moutza on these crazy parents."
Some moms complained that if the trend continues, dogs will be on par with kids, although I thought that debate was finally settled a few years ago.
"Born Free," wrote Christine C. in snarky fashion.
"Let me know if you do this at home so I can stay far away," said Deb R.
"That's what they do in countries that don't have clean water and 1 in 5 kids die of preventable disease before age 5," cried Peggy L.
"I will not eat at anyone's house where they let the kids use the sink as a toilet," wrote Susan R. "Ick! And going behind parked cars and in the park?"
It's obvious that Chicago moms can't see the possibilities:
Husbands will no longer have to pull 50-pound plastic-wrapped monstrosities out of the "Diaper Genie," perhaps the most horrible contraption ever invented. And moms won't waste money on the famous Pee-pee Teepee, which allegedly protects them from catastrophe while changing the diapers of boys.
So I called my old legman, Shooter, the famed dice player who once helped me with the column. Loyal readers may remember that Shooter gave birth to a beautiful little boy, and she is now expecting another child.
Alas, she loathes the Go Mowgli idea because of a social side effect:
"Parental Superiority Syndrome: Symptoms include mindlessly repeating 'my little genius Bobby tells me when he has to go, your kid is dumb' or 'I save the planet, you must hate the planet because you use diapers,'" wrote Shooter, rather defensively.
Someday, perhaps not tomorrow, but someday, Midwestern women may drop their provincial dependence on diapers, toss them aside and let their children run free.
Thanks for trying, New York. Don't give up on us. Please.