April 3, 2013
Here it's already April — the White Sox have opened the season to the victorious stylings of pitcher Chris Sale — and I'm way late in giving out the March Moutza of the Month.
It could have been awarded Sunday, but that was Easter Sunday for so many, and Passover for many others. So the March Moutza was put on hold out of respect.
But today, let's just get down to it. Spread your fingers, palm extended like those flashing "Don't Walk" traffic signals, and like the ancient Hellenes, point it in the general direction of the nominees and say Nah!
Can't you hear the Nah! coming for you, John Heidelmeier?
Heidelmeier, of Villa Park, is the former police chief of that suburban Chicago town. These days he's running for village president there. And recently, he made some amazing news.
Naked photos of — just what shall we call it in a family newspaper? — his "special purpose" surfaced on the Internet. It was all under this phrase: "Your Most Diverse Phone Sex Experience … Because Anything Goes."
Just try slapping that on a bumper sticker.
Heidelmeier released a statement, acknowledging that yes, his special purpose was involved, but it wasn't illegal and that wouldn't make him quit.
"I will stay steadfast in the race," he said, and then urged voters to "take a careful look at the real issues."
But I don't want to. Nobody wants to. Stop it, Heidelmeier. Take five. Nah!
Other nominees include members of the Obama administration for shrieking that the sky would fall if small budget cuts were forced upon them. Remember? The poultry wouldn't get inspected and we'd die. The planes wouldn't fly, the White House tours for students would be canceled, and on and on.
Yes, the White House canceled the tours. But don't despair. The federal government hasn't forgotten how to waste our cash.
Vice President "Shotgun" Joe Biden keeps taking vacations and running up ridiculous hotel and limo bills and smiling like the crazy uncle who just escaped from the basement.
And the feds still find enough money for wacky science projects, like that $227,000 grant to study animal photos in National Geographic — presumably including the baboons with red behinds — and the other one costing $800,000 for the study of snail sexual habits.
Sexy snails? I don't care for hormonally aroused snails. I'd rather have them calm, with garlic and butter.
Meanwhile, Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan must be thrilled watching the media acknowledge her as the next governor, because, well, she's so Lisa.
Though the inevitability of Princess Lisa grew in March, other political news sprouted as well. The federal Securities and Exchange Commission accused the state of Illinois of massive fraud of investors, stating that Illinois claimed to have properly funded pension systems when it did not.
The state government is the one Lisa's daddy, House Speaker Mike Madigan, has been running for three decades now.
"Time after time, Illinois failed to inform its bond investors about the risk to its financial condition posed by the structural underfunding of its pension system," said George S. Canellos, acting director of the SEC's Division of Enforcement.
Boss Madigan told us not to worry, that it was all OK, and the message went out: Forget it. What's amazing is that he was obeyed. And Lisa, as the top law enforcement officer in the state, hasn't been pressured to investigate.
Has she investigated anything that smells like corruption? Or do we let her skip all that because it's so icky and her daddy is boss and he's going to make her governor anyway, so why bother?
Many of you know that I've been a critic of the politics of the Daley family. What went on at City Hall deserved criticism. Chicago can't afford to hire cops.
But what's fair is fair. So just for the sake of argument, let's say one Daley brother has been House speaker and Democratic political boss for three decades. And let's say another Daley brother was state attorney general, thinking of running for governor, just as the SEC declared fraud.
Do you think the Daleys would catch a break the way the Madigans are getting a media break?
Or is that Nah!
If the Daleys were in this, you'd hear a shrieking sound. And many of us taxpayers (also known as chumbolones or "the baboons with red behinds") would be shaking our fists in anger.
Instead, we wait for the inevitability of Lisa. And there's no outcry, or if there is, it's a tiny one, a faint sigh, the breeze of a false spring rattling in a dry tree.
This tells me that Illinois is Madiganistan. Truly.
While many fought mightily for the March Moutza, including the morons who feed wild coyotes and whom I didn't have room to mention, one man remains vigorously unrepentant:
The guy on the phone sex website, running for president of Villa Park.
"I did nothing unlawful or anything that diminishes my ability to serve the people of Villa Park," he said.
And there's nothing unlawful about a giving you quadruple Moutza, either, especially when you've just won the March Moutza of the Month.
Let's each take off our shoes and socks, and point our palms, and give Heidelmeier the proper salute.
Nah! and Nah! and Nah! and Nah!
Please, Candidate Special Purpose. Just don't run for statewide office. Please.
We taxpayers have gone through enough without having to "take a careful look at the real issues."
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