March 1, 2013
Is it possible that a husband and wife could win the coveted February Moutza of the Month award, for buying stupid stuffed elk heads with other people's money?
Perhaps. Because in America, it is said, even dead elk dreams may come true.
Or what about that Brooklyn Democratic Assemblyman Dov "Give Me a Moutza" Hikind? He wore blackface (during Black History Month) and an Afro wig. Then when he was caught on Facebook, he whined he didn't mean to offend.
Dov, Dov, Dov.
So many worthies, not enough time — and not enough hands to moutza them all. Readers have eagerly been nominating their favorites, itching to thrust their palms at select morons and, like my Greek ancestors of old, cry "Nah!" and "Blow right here!" at the arrogance.
Consider just a few nominees:
Ikea for purveying meatballs with trace amounts of horsemeat; Mayor Buttinski from New York for playing politics on our South Side; and the Jackson Two and their $750,000 spending spree.
"The Onion!" chimed in readers Dino Armiros and Susan Beacham because it used an ugly word against a 9-year-old girl.
Hey, Onion, that's not remotely funny. A quadruple Nah! and a cuff of the knuckles to the back of your publisher's head — what we call a hastooki.
And McDonald's for eliminating the scrumptious apple walnut salad; and the White Sox for losing the crafty catcher who stole first base in that magical 2005 World Series run.
"Moutza Rick Hahn (GM) of the White Sox for not tendering A.J. Pierzynski an offer," cried Jim Sungaila.
Sorry, Jim. The White Sox may not get a Moutza in this column until September at the earliest.
Few people are in the select exempted category, ineligible for the Moutza. Like my mom, my wife, my editor and the president of the United States. But his craven underlings are fair game. Yes, I can.
Reader Laura Ehorn wrote to me on Facebook, insisting we Moutza a publisher of graphic novels.
"DC Comics for 'offing' the Boy Wonder!" she wrote.
Egads! Robin the Boy Wonder is dead?
Yes, it turns out that DC has multiple Robins, and has killed off its latest one, the issue of Bruce Wayne and the lovely daughter of Batman's eternal enemy, Ra's al Ghul.
Holy Moutza! Nah! to DC Comics for creating multiple Robins. And Nah! to me for writing about comic books.
Who needs comic book villains when we have real fleshy pink ones, like the Republican Penguin, Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky and his GOP establishment sidekick, strategist Karl Rove, aka Three-Face?
Three-Face and Penguin are beating up on the lovely actress and liberal Democrat Ashley Judd. They've made her a credible candidate for Kentucky's Senate race of 2014.
Penguin! Three-Face! Ashley Judd will kick your behinds. Nah!
Dov Hikind, the Democratic state legislator from Brooklyn, said he was sorry for painting his face black and wearing an Afro wig at a weekend celebration.
"It was not meant to offend or hurt anyone in any fashion," he wrote, adding that criticism was "political correctness to the absurd."
Dov, this isn't meant to hurt or offend you either. Really.
Nah! Blow right here. Nah!
Many say the Obama White House deserves a Moutza for cynical scare tactics over relatively minor budget cuts. Quicker than you can tell Bob Woodward he'd "regret it" comes the story of Education Secretary Arne Duncan.
Duncan claimed the mandated federal cuts had already caused schools to fire teachers.
"This stuff is real," Duncan said. "Schools are already starting to give teachers notices."
But it wasn't real, according to the Associated Press. There were no layoffs. And the Obama White House — which has had its behind smooched by the media for years — wants more behind-smooching even when its inhabitants tell whoppers.
Hey, Obama staffers. Nah!
Reader Rennie Herzan demanded a Moutza for the stupid Hollywood stuffed bear Ted.
"Give it to the crude teddy bear Ted at the Oscars," wrote Herzan.
Sure, Rennie. Hey, Ted. Nah!
But isn't there something profoundly creepy about an entire room of wealthy, jaded entertainers paying attention to a fur costumed puppet that tells naughty jokes?
Or is it just me?
Happily, I didn't watch the Oscars. Oh, we recorded Adele singing "Skyfall." But the Oscars give me terrible nightmares:
I dream that I'm an entertainment reporter, standing on the red carpet, worrying about my hair, while faking laughter at some idiotic comment made by a movie star. I'd rather be eaten alive by cats.
But the Tribune wishes to thank the academy of readers for nominating three exceptional Americans for the grand monthly Moutza.
Many give an open hand or three to Mayor Buttinski (Michael Bloomberg) of New York. His super PAC ran TV spots in Chicago, bigfooting the 2nd Congressional District's Democratic primary.
Robin Kelly, D-Bloomberg, was nominated by Democrats. Republicans elected an ex-convict.
Hey, Mayor Buttinski. Nah!
But the hands-down winners were former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. and his wife, Sandi, the former 7th Ward alderman. They pleaded guilty to federal charges after they wasted at least $750,000 in campaign cash on stupid junk like elk heads.
Such aggression against the people cannot stand, man.
Jesse, Sandi, you supported tax increases for bigger government while buying elk heads and other nonsense.
You're the proud winners of February's Moutza of the Month.
Our hands are free. And please, each of you take two:
Nah! Nah! And a double backhand each as well.
And don't ever think about touching a stuffed elk head again. Nah!
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