Billed as Chicago's shortest sports columnist, Whizzer was born and raised in Chicago and learned at a very young age how to 1) shake hands, 2) chug a beer and 3) handicap NFL games, but not all at the same time.

He did not attend high school or college but instead chose to travel abroad to exotic locales, getting as far as Oak Park before realizing he actually hates traveling. I mean, if you want "exotic," stay home, order Thai food and watch the Discovery Channel.

He currently resides in Chicago and his RedEye duties include:
-Canine Lines, nine riffs on the day in sports
-NFL predictions each Friday in the fall

He's the only cartoon in Five on Five. But what he really wants to do is direct.

E-mail Whizzer at redeyesports@tribune.com

Recent Columns:

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August 26, 2008
Campus campiness
Rah, rah, rah, sis boom bah!

August 26, 2008
Familiar?
1. Sound familiar?

August 19, 2008
Lifespan of a QB
So Rexy ain't so sexy anymore, is he? He's no Michael Phelps, that's for sure. But then again, is Kyle Orton any more attractive? I mean, he looks more like someone who'd hang around a gas station bumming smokes than an NFL passer, or maybe that's just moi. Be that as it may, Orton's our guy now. But I have a hunch it's not going to last. Here are my (tongue-in-cheek) predictions:

August 14, 2008
Twice as nice
1. Twice as nice

August 12, 2008
GOAT!
1. Michael's night

August 12, 2008
Doggie paddling
1. Yeah, well, try this

August 6, 2008
Bei-cha-ching!
1. Is that in euros?

July 31, 2008
Old timer?
1. Comic relief

July 28, 2008
$40 million man
1. He's so money

July 24, 2008
Too soon?
1. Let the suspensions begin