Griff, it's time you met Mr. Gruff

So, I guess this isn't going to be easy.

I wasn't naive enough to think it was. You know where we live.

This is Chicago, where we always have a problem with smaller Midwestern neighbors.

The Bears have Green Bay; the Sox have the Twins. We'll start there.

I hate the piranhas. Hate 'em. All they do is nibble and nibble, and then get a big hit. They seem to beat the Sox whenever they want--as long as they're at home in the dome. And here we are slugging it out with these guys again. I've got a bad feeling about this.

So we went out and got some help. We got Ken Griffey. I say we also trade for Manny Ramirez. I know he already was traded to the Dodgers. I know the non-waiver trading deadline has passed. Who cares? I just want to see him on the same team with Ozzie Guillen.

Last man standing at the end of the season wins.

Quick line on Griffey: Lots of homers, no average. He'll fit right in.

The Cubs also have to contend with a smaller neighbor, but they're having a much better time with Milwaukee, apparently.

Nonetheless, I say let's trade for Ramirez. I just want to see him on the same team with Carlos Zambrano.

Last man standing at the end of the season wins.

Hello. That was Bag Boy's summer stock production of "Nutball Sports Columnist" playing at a park near you. Don't laugh. They pay people in this town tons of money to be silly like that. I'm not one of them, so leave a donation.

Seriously, I'm biting nails until the end of the season, then the playoffs. Now I know why people smoke.

I need a diversion. The Bears. That's a sick diversion. The coin flip for QB reminds me of Harvey Dent in "The Dark Knight." The guy flips a two-headed coin. That's exactly how I feel about the Bears. Heads, we lose. Heads, we lose even worse. Now I know why the film was shot in Chicago.

Pop culture references aside, I see we've re-signed Luol Deng.

A couple of things. First, that guy isn't a leader. On a team full of quitters, I thought he's the guy that guy should've stepped up. Second, because he does exceptional work throughout the world, people tend to let these things go.

Fine, I say. But as Alfred says in "The Dark Knight", you really should know your limitations.

This Bag Boy column sponsored by "The Dark Knight." See it somewhere near you.