“You’re funny because you’re definitely like a Carrie with some Samantha aspects. And Charlotte hair.”
Likelihood: 7
There’s unfortunately a small segment of female society that still makes comparisons with and identifies as specific characters on a show that ended more than eight years ago—and, might I add, started when most of us were ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Funny how they always seem to be riding the same Red Line train as you, right? 

 

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“I was just going to have you start manning our Twitter. You have just the quippy voice for that.”

Hannah explains to her boss that she can no longer work for free at her internship. He thinks she’s quitting.
Likelihood: 6
Hello, have we met? Funny how having a Twitter account and being under the age of 25 in an office environment will automatically peg you as the “witty,” social media “savvy” chick.

 

Shirtless

The shirtless male sex buddy who's always at home when you need a quickie because he doesn't work and refuses to be anybody's "slave"

Hannah just quit-slash-got-fired from her internship and stops by Adam’s apartment to let off some steam. He's home and up for whatever, of course.
Likelihood: 8
Where are their shirts? Why are these guys constantly shirtless, even in the dead of winter?

 

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The most awkward sex of all time

On a particularly grimy couch, Hannah lies in wait, on her stomach, trying to touch her legs and take off her leggings as Adam “considers” getting a condom. He then insists she play the “quiet game,” when she chatters on about why she would want to first have a conversation about anal sex—after he attempts to go there without any warning.
Likelihood: 20+
As Hannah says, “…That. Please don’t do that.” The “try, try again without asking permission” method is not going to work in your favor in this instance, dudes, and it sucks that so many of you don’t agree. But what sucks more? Too many women don’t take charge of anything in this scenario—the condom, the off-the-limits positions—just like Hannah doesn’t. 

 

Suggested

Suggested times

Both Hannah and her world traveler friend Jessa are hours late to a dinner party thrown by Marnie. Jessa says she thought the start time was “suggested.”
Likelihood: 9
Who shows up on time to anything these days? My generation relies so much on texts and constant communication that we apparently figure it’s fine to show up late whenever and wherever—because someone will call or text if they’re wondering where we are, right? Plans are for dorks.

 

skipping lunch

Skipping lunch

Hannah tells her friends at a dinner party about getting cut off by her parents: “So I calculated, and I can last in New York for three-and-a-half more days. Maybe seven if I don’t eat lunch.”
Likelihood: 7
Yes! When you still have eight days left until your next paycheck, and you’ve just blown all but $23 on your rent, phone bill, whatever, calculating every move you make around the city is crucial. And deciding when you’ll use your one lifeline meal of rice and Diet Coke each day. 

 

Drugs

High or drunk with the parents

For “one final push” to convince her parents to help support her for a bit longer, Hannah shows up at her parents’ hotel room after midnight—high on opium.
Likelihood: 0
Nope, never done that. Of course not. Seriously, Dad, never. 

 

Homeless

Propositions from the homeless

With a few twenties in hand from her departed parents, Hannah leaves the hotel to be greeted by a homeless guy on the sidewalk: “Why don’t you smile? Does your heart hurt? Girl when you look at you, I just want to say, hello, New York!”
Likelihood: 10
The only guys who hit on me are generally drunk and homeless. And we really have to talk about outlawing the use of “Why don’t you smile?” in conversations with strangers. I’m talking to you, Chipotle Guy.

 

Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.

Jessica Galliart is the RedEye Social Media Lady. She won't shower with you, ever. @jessicagalliart