By Jessica Galliart
11:39 PM CDT, April 15, 2012
Let’s get this out of the way—the characters on “Girls” are kind of insufferable, kind of selfish, a lot self-absorbed and very much struggling human beings. They are upper-middle-class, white girl twentysomethings in 2012, after all.
And so am I! On the surface, I share a few things in common with the main character Hannah: 24 years old, aspiring essayist, decidedly funny-looking, annoyingly sarcastic at times, horrible decision maker when it comes to men, very low tolerance for drugs (none at all, really)…you get the point.
Sounds fun, right? Not really, but that’s precisely why I’m already in love with this show. It sends me into fits of nervous-laughter while simultaneously making me do a double-take at the sad similarities between a small niche of metropolitan young women who just have no idea what the hell they’re doing and why they continue to make a mess of their emotional states of being. I’m a glutton for punishment when it comes to self-analysis, and “Girls” absolute fits the bill.
Sure, there are plenty of things that irk me about the show—see Show Patrol’s review for a taste—but with that being said—just how accurate is the day-to-day life of a struggling post-grad portrayed in “Girls”? On a scale of 1 to 10, I scored the interactions seen in this week’s episode. Commence the eye-rolling and declarations about spoiled narcissists.
Scarfing down dinner when from-out-of-town parents foot the bill
Hannah is a cute, “plain Jane”—I hate that descriptor!—out to dinner in New York City with her parents, who are clearly from the suburbs.
My parents fly in from Kansas in three weeks. I already have our dinners and menu selections all planned out. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!)
“I could be a drug addict. Do you realize how lucky you are?”
Womp womp. After a few years of financing her “groovy lifestyle,” Hannah’s parents tell her they’re cutting her off. She’s not happy.
Yeah, I’ve used this on my parents before—when I was 16 and denied permission to pierce my nose.
Sleeping with the BFF roommate
We meet Hannah’s roommate, Marnie, as the two are spooning together in Hannah’s room after falling asleep to “Mary Tyler Moore” together. (We later find out Marnie retreated to Hannah’s room to get away from her clingy, sweet boyfriend.)
I mean, I know people who have accidentally, drunkenly wandered into their roommate’s room to cuddle in the middle of the night? Same thing, right?
Showering with the BFF roommate
Hannah and Marnie wake up to Marnie’s boyfriend in their kitchen and after getting some refreshments, naturally, go to the bathroom together to shave their legs, chit chat and eat cupcakes while naked.
Call me Nancy Reagan, but if a roommate ever suggests bonding time in the bathroom naked, I’m installing a lock on the door. OK, it’s not that serious, but I think it’s widely true that most women are much too insecure about their bodies to let even their best friends see them naked and at their most vulnerable—while covered in shaving cream and rinsing…themselves.
Texts vs. Calls vs. The Internet
Marnie tries to talk Hannah out of texting her condescending sex buddy, Adam. Hannah says, “Didn’t you say texting is the lowest form of communication on the pillar of chat?” Marnie says, “The lowest, that would be Facebook, followed by GChat, then texting, then email, then phone.”
True. True true true.
"Sex and the City" Comparisons
“You’re funny because you’re definitely like a Carrie with some Samantha aspects. And Charlotte hair.”
There’s unfortunately a small segment of female society that still makes comparisons with and identifies as specific characters on a show that ended more than eight years ago—and, might I add, started when most of us were ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Funny how they always seem to be riding the same Red Line train as you, right?
“I was just going to have you start manning our Twitter. You have just the quippy voice for that.”
Hannah explains to her boss that she can no longer work for free at her internship. He thinks she’s quitting.
Hello, have we met? Funny how having a Twitter account and being under the age of 25 in an office environment will automatically peg you as the “witty,” social media “savvy” chick.
The shirtless male sex buddy who's always at home when you need a quickie because he doesn't work and refuses to be anybody's "slave"
Hannah just quit-slash-got-fired from her internship and stops by Adam’s apartment to let off some steam. He's home and up for whatever, of course.
Where are their shirts? Why are these guys constantly shirtless, even in the dead of winter?
The most awkward sex of all time
On a particularly grimy couch, Hannah lies in wait, on her stomach, trying to touch her legs and take off her leggings as Adam “considers” getting a condom. He then insists she play the “quiet game,” when she chatters on about why she would want to first have a conversation about anal sex—after he attempts to go there without any warning.
As Hannah says, “…That. Please don’t do that.” The “try, try again without asking permission” method is not going to work in your favor in this instance, dudes, and it sucks that so many of you don’t agree. But what sucks more? Too many women don’t take charge of anything in this scenario—the condom, the off-the-limits positions—just like Hannah doesn’t.
Both Hannah and her world traveler friend Jessa are hours late to a dinner party thrown by Marnie. Jessa says she thought the start time was “suggested.”
Who shows up on time to anything these days? My generation relies so much on texts and constant communication that we apparently figure it’s fine to show up late whenever and wherever—because someone will call or text if they’re wondering where we are, right? Plans are for dorks.
Hannah tells her friends at a dinner party about getting cut off by her parents: “So I calculated, and I can last in New York for three-and-a-half more days. Maybe seven if I don’t eat lunch.”
Yes! When you still have eight days left until your next paycheck, and you’ve just blown all but $23 on your rent, phone bill, whatever, calculating every move you make around the city is crucial. And deciding when you’ll use your one lifeline meal of rice and Diet Coke each day.
High or drunk with the parents
For “one final push” to convince her parents to help support her for a bit longer, Hannah shows up at her parents’ hotel room after midnight—high on opium.
Nope, never done that. Of course not. Seriously, Dad, never.
Propositions from the homeless
With a few twenties in hand from her departed parents, Hannah leaves the hotel to be greeted by a homeless guy on the sidewalk: “Why don’t you smile? Does your heart hurt? Girl when you look at you, I just want to say, hello, New York!”
The only guys who hit on me are generally drunk and homeless. And we really have to talk about outlawing the use of “Why don’t you smile?” in conversations with strangers. I’m talking to you, Chipotle Guy.
Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.
Jessica Galliart is the RedEye Social Media Lady. She won't shower with you, ever. @jessicagalliart
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