By Georgia Garvey
2:56 PM CDT, April 27, 2012
Squirrelfriends, what in the name of all that is draggy happened last night?
We'll get to the episode soon enough, but first I have to sort of process the insanity that was Willam's sudden, unexplained elimination.
What, exactly, was the "rule" that Willam was accused of breaking?
As an amateur professional detective, I can only take into consideration the "evidence" given:
1. Willam was experiencing personal problems that had "nothing to do with" the show.
2. willam was quiet and reserved all episode.
3. Willam puked during judging.
4. RuPaul said Willam "broke the rules" and had to be immediately eliminated.
5. During "Untucked," the other contestants said that Willam was having personal problems because he was doing stuff he "shouldn't have been doing anyway."
6. Willam mentioned how tight his corset was.
The only conclusion I possibly can come to is that Willam is pregnant.
Either that or Willam was hung over, maybe from leaving the hotel without permission. And that's not exactly blockbuster stuff, so I don't understand why Ru just didn't tell us.
I felt adrift after the end of last night's episode, unsure of where to go or what to do.
In times of crisis like this, perhaps the only way to get over the trauma is to soldier on, continuing to live our lives as if nothing had changed.
Well, that's what our drag-testants did last night after the elimination of Jiggly Caliente, a queen not-so-sorely missed among her compatriots.
They moved forward into the mini-challenge, which wasn't even a challenge at all but was instead a session with a polygraph examiner.
Important lessons we learned:
* Chad Michaels sleeps in the nude but lies about it.
* Everybody wants to have sex with Latrice Royale, but she just wants to have sex with the Pit Crew.
* Latrice has a very healthy self-esteem.
* Should they be the last two on earth, Sharon Needles is more willing to get freaky with Phi Phi O'Hara than vice versa.
* The queens either actually do like Ru's shoe line or they're very good at pretending to.
After the lie detector test, the contestants are divided up into pairs, supposedly opposite someone with whom they have little in common but much to learn from.
The "frenemies" teams are Sharon and Phi Phi (Chicago!); Dida Ritz (Chicago!) and Chad; and Willam and Latrice.
The teams must write, choreograph and perform a nightclub act -- with real singing. No lip sync allowed. That freaks some of the ladies out.
"I don't sing live, boo boo," Latrice says. "There's a reason why I lip sync."
Of the pairings, the most friction appears between Phi Phi and Sharon, who had an infamous verbal altercation earlier in the season in which they called each other "busted showgirls" and "party city," respectively.
I wouldn't consider Phi Phi a frenemy. I'd consider her an enemy," Sharon says.
In rehearsal, Dida and Chad look like they're in trouble, as do Sharon and Phi Phi. The verbal operatics Phi Phi brings to the performance are not working for Lucian Piar, Ru's adorable writing partner and producer, who's helping the contestants get their acts in shape.
Guest judges Jennifer "Boobs" Tilly and Pamela "Boobs" Anderson join Ru, gorgeous in green kimono, on the runway.
The contestants perform their acts and, as expected, Willam and Latrice win with their lingerie striptease.
During judging, though, Willam ralphs on the side of the stage. It is very gross and mysterious, and Ru barely references it before continuing.
"That's not cute," Latrice says.
Chad and Dida miraculously escape the bottom two, with Sharon and Phi Phi being forced to lip sync for their lives.
It's a burn-the-house-down performance, but before we can find out who's going home, Ru calls Willam forward and tells him he's broken the rules and is going home.
We at home are left, confused, to wait for the reunion, where we may or may not find out what Willam was drinking the night before.
Sigh. We'll miss you, Willam.
Well, see you next week, squirrelfriends, when the girls get political.
In honor of the departure of quote queen Willam, there will be no best quotes from tonight's episode, merely a single, lonely tear falling down my cheek.
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