I’d get in a heap of trouble if I wrote my opinion on whether Drew Peterson was guilty of murder. The makers of the new Lifetime movie, “Drew Peterson: Untouchable” (7 p.m. Jan. 21, Lifetime; 1 star), however, do not have a problem sharing their thoughts.
The film, which stars Rob Lowe as the ex-Bolingbrook police officer currently awaiting trial in the murder of his third wife, Kathleen Savio (played by Cara Buono), and questioned in connection with the October 2007 disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy Peterson (Kaley Cuoco), doesn’t pull any punches.
Based on former Joliet Herald-News reporter Joseph Hosey’s 2008 book “Fatal Vows: The Tragic Wives of Sgt. Drew Peterson,” the film acts as Peterson’s judge and jury—and does so in unintentionally hilarious ways.
As Peterson, Lowe wears a porn-stache, bushy brows and a slit-eyed stare. He adds a belly with a pillow (that’s not big enough, by the way) and his accent sounds more Wisconsin than Chicago. He tries to ugly up, but I still saw the pretty.
Lowe does channel the creepiness Peterson displayed during his bizarre public appearances before his arrest in May 2009, spouting some howler lines that will go down in history with “No more wire hangers, ever!”
- "I'm untouchable, bitch."
- "You were gettin' too much good lovin' from Big Daddy." (Yes, he calls himself "Big Daddy.")
- "If they get with me they’ll get lucky … As long as they're hot."
- "Job is the word, now put blow in front of it."
- "Used to be a man could keep his wife pregnant and in the house."
- "The true colors of a nasty bitch show themselves eventually."
And don’t even get me started on poor Cuoco’s lines. (OK, I’ll share just one: “Everything’s fine. Drew just threw me into the TV. Wanna help me make some margaritas?”)
Director Mikael Salomon thankfully keeps the film moving at a quick pace, but he loses any sense of time between scenes. One minute, Drew and Stacy are meeting for the first time, and the next, she’s pregnant. It’s difficult to follow at times, and no easier to tell what the real facts of the case are.
But facts be damned, right? (I think that might be Lifetime’s motto.) Don’t watch “Untouchable” to learn anything new about the Peterson case, or to be sucked into an inspired cinematic tale of true crime. Watch it to laugh, and you’ll have a lot of fun.Copyright © 2015, RedEye