WHAT HAPPENED ON...
Jessica's 'Jersey Shore' recap: The bingers are back
They're baaaaaaaack. And in serious need of some GTL. Yes, you know who I'm talking about--our favorite East Coast binge drinkers, also known as the cast of "Jersey Shore."
Season 5 of "Jersey Shore" premiered Thursday on MTV and picked up right where Season 4 left off--with the cast returning from a drama-filled season in Florence, Italy. And because MTV knows it can only squeeze so many more episodes out of this cash cow, the network didn't even give the kids a break between seasons.
The troops pulled up to their beloved Shore house squealing with delight, and fired up the blender for some Ron Ron Juice. But, it was time to buckle down. Top of the priority list: GTL (gym, tan, laundry for those of you who are new to the phenomenon) but more dramatically, for the first time in "Jersey Shore" history, the T came before the G and the L.
That night, Shore Store boss Danny invited everyone to Captain Hook's for some drinks. But, SURPRISE! It was a welcome back party with all their friends and loved ones. Vinny's mom, Uncle Nino, JWoww's creepy dad, Snooki's slutty best friend Ryder and her No. 1 boo: G-Yanni were there.
Also in attendance: The Situation's totally platonic and completely heterosexual friend, The Unit.
Flashback to last season: The Situation alleged that he hooked up with Snooki while she was dating G-Yanni. Snooki obviously denies it, because she loves G-Yanni and wants to have his guido babies. She would never do that ... well, except when she slept with Vinny in Florence. But BESIDES that, she would never.
Twenty Jaga-bombs later, Snooki is mouthing off to the Unit, who is threatening to reveal her dirty little secret in front of G-Yanni. This induces a headache for viewers, as the next five minutes consists of Snooki, The Unit and The Situation repeating mindless phrases to one another that are supposed to be threats of some sort. I didn't get it.
Back at the house, Sitch and Unit are hanging out in their underwear being bros. It's also when Ryder, aka Slut Parade, starts cuddling up to Pauly D, the only person in the house she hasn't slept with yet. This bothers Deena, who has always wanted to do sex with Pauly, but has been denied. But, now the boys can amuse themselves with intelligent lines like, "Everybody can Ryder, just like a bus ride."
Vinny, who also has slept with Ryder, starts to feel homesick. After seeing his mom at the party, and crying publicly, he's really down on himself. It's just so hard, being paid obscene amounts of money to have absolutely no talent whatsoever. Cue a therapy session with Ronnie, who brings such deep thoughts as, "You want a hooker?"
The gang tries to cheer up Vin with a night out at Aztec, but it's a grenade fest. This depresses Vinny even more. Meanwhile, G-Yanni starts friending up The Situation, and this makes Snooki nervous, because, you know, she never slept with him.
All in all, the Season 5 opener of "Jersey Shore" is more of the same--except I didn't see a blurred out view of Snooki's crotch and I feel screwed as a result. Buckle up viewers, we're in for another season of contrived catchphrases, alcoholism, violence and, of course, drama.
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