By Curt Wagner, @ShowPatrol
6:12 PM CDT, October 31, 2013
We got a witch war, people! And Marie Laveau is raising a zombie army to fight it in "Fearful Pranks Ensue," the fourth episode of "American Horror Story: Coven."
Spoilers: Stop reading if you are not caught up.
Marie's none-too-pleased with Fiona Goode, who sent her Minotaur back to Marie's salon, all packed up and minus his body. (Is this a nod to the "[Bleep] in a Box" video?)
The episode was heavy on flashbacks, which gave us a chance to learn more about the conflict between the voodoo witches and the descendants of Salem. Back in the 1970s, Afro-out-to-here Marie and then-Supreme Anna Leigh Leighton signed a truce to bring all hostilities to an end.
But Fiona's threatening visit to Marie a few episodes back pissed the voodoo queen off enough to send Bastien the Minotaur to Witchwarts. Apparently it's tit-for-tat with witches, so take that, except ... Fiona interrupts the bull-man (man-bull?), saves Queenie and slices off his head. We didn't get to see it, unfortunately, but that must be what happened. Or maybe Queenie sliced off her head—she is a living voodoo doll after all.
Anyway, Delia nurses Queenie back to health only after Fiona uses her last bit of strength to breathe life back into her.
Speaking of Delia, remember Hank, that jean-jacket-wearing hubby of hers? He claims to be on a business trip and meeting up with some dude named Phil Underwood. Who comes knocking on his door? Not Phil Underwood, unless he's a she named Kaylee (played by Alexandra Breckenridge from Season 1).
Hank has Catfished this poor girl he met online, telling her he's a USDA inspector or some damn thing. Anyway, didn't think this was possible but they have sex and it's weirder than when he and Delia did it on the floor with a bunch of snakes slithering around. I mean, this guy has a crazy, scary sex demeanor and O-face.
After their headboard-breaking romp, Kaylee tells him, "Halloween gives people the permission to be who they really want to be." In his case, a serial killer!
Oh yes, he bopped and then shot her brains out.
Back at Miss Robichaux's Academy, the Council on Witchcraft shows up to haunt Fiona about Lilo Junior's disappearance.
We all know that Fiona killed Madison, but we get a little extra info on her whereabouts—and just how houseman Spalding is. He likes to dress up like a doll and have tea parties with the thousands of actual dolls in his room. Oh, and with Madison, who he also has dressed up as a doll.
Super creepy much, Spalding?
The Council on Witchcraft is made up of Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy), who accompanied Zoe to Witchwarts in the premiere; "vicious old queen" Quentin (played by Leslie Jordan, which means another diva on this show!), and Pembroke, who's fairly forgettable (just ask Fiona).
Fiona immediately bares her claws, saying, "Myrtle Snow, look at you developing a sense of style when no one was paying attention."
Myrtle has been Fiona's rival for 40 years. She was the first and maybe the only to suspect Fiona offed Anna Leigh. And boy, time has not mellowed her desire to prove her suspicions. She wants Fiona to burn, and has the matches to start that fire.
Flashback to 1971, Myrtle enchants Spalding's tongue so that he will be forced to tell the truth about who killed Anna Leigh. He overhears her telling someone this, and instead of ratting on the love of his life, Fiona, he cuts out his own tongue!
Spalding still doesn't give up the ghost in present day, either. When Myrtle presses him to write the name of the person who killed Madison, he jots down her name. She freaks out, claiming that Fiona killed Madison because she was to be the next Supreme.
That's when Delia comes to her mother's defense, revealing that Madison wasn't the future Supreme after all. Bet you're not feeling so revitalized now, Fiona! The Supreme must have "glowing radiant health," Delia says, and Madison was hiding the fact she had a heart murmur.
Oops Fiona, you [bleeped] that up. So if Madison wasn't the next Supreme, who is?
Could be Zoe, she of the Killer Vagina. Although speaking of not being memorable, this witch is nothing but annoying so far. And she had very little to do in this episode, except stop Frankenboy from pounding his head into the bathtub after he killed his inappropriate mother last episode. In a perfect Zoe move, she decides that a bowl of tuna salad will cure what ails Kyle, who says he's not Kyle. Glad you've caught up brother!
Feeling bad about what she's done to him, Zoe spikes the tuna with rat poison and goes back to the bathroom to feed it to him. But he's gone. Oops.
With a stumble-bum record like hers, Zoe can't possibly be the next Supreme. Right? But who is?
That's exactly what Fiona asks Delia when they go out drinking Halloween night. She also tells her daughter that Hank "reeks of bullshit." Right? Because he's a serial killer!
Then things get really ugly because Delia can't hold her liquor. She's prays to the porcelain goddess—seriously, can't a witch just twitch her noise and stop the room from spinning? Anyway, she wipes that crud off her face and turns around to find a spook standing behind her with a Mason jar full of acid or something.
Instead of running, she just stares at this stranger, who throws the acid in her face.
That could be Marie's work, but I'm thinking it's another foe we have yet to formally meet. Marie seems to have a more macabre style. She pulls out the snakes and does some voodoo hoodoo to raise the dead, including Delphine's daughters—and we get an homage to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" at the end of the episode.
But I'm sure no snakes were harmed in the making of the episode.
Lessons learned in "Fearful Pranks Ensue:"
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