[Spoilers ahead it you are not caught up!]
When Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) totally cracks and rats out bus flipper Madison (Emma Roberts) to a couple of New Orleans detectives—not to mention tells them that the school is a front for witches—Fiona (Jessica Lange) steps in to save the day.
But she's pissed, and she schools Zoe and Madison about how witches should close ranks and protect each other, not fall apart, when facing a crisis. She puts an exclamation point on the lesson by telekinetically throwing them up against a wall.
"The only thing in this whole wicked world you have to fear," she spits, "is me."
The bitch witch is fierce!
Turns out Lilo Jr. just can't not cause trouble, because she drags Zoe to the morgue to make a Frankenboy out of Kyle (Evan Peters). Madison decides to grab the best parts of the boys from the bus crash, not giving a thought to what will be on the inside when they bring him back. She's obviously in the "Put a bag over his brain and do your business" camp.
The girls' necromancing brings gator-reviving, Stevie Nicks-loving Misty Day (Lily Rabe) out of the swamp into her back seat. She scars the crap out of Zoe, but they go to Misty's cabin to listen to Fleetwood Mac. There's a great little joke about Stevie Nicks being a witch, or just "the Stevie Nicks from 'Idol,'" as Zoe says.
Damn kids today.
Misty thinks Zoe is an all-powerful witch and gets a little stalkerish on her when Zoe says she has to get back to school. But they agree she'll come back because she's going to leave Frankenboy there so Misty can rub gator dung on his stitches and maybe teach him how to walk instead of doing the Frankenstein dance. (So if he's made out of the body parts of several boys, why's he still look he's got the same body as before? Just saying.)
Meanwhile, Fiona has her hair did at the salon run by voodoo witch Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett), who somehow manages to not pull the witch's hair out. There's not love lost here; these two come from covens that have been warring forever.
Fiona offers up a trade and we learn why she dug up Madame LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), who by the way has been set free back at the school by empath Nan (Jamie Brewer), who said she was thinking too loudly. Fiona will give stinky Madame LaLaurie to Marie if Marie gives Fiona her secret for staying young.
Bassett, by the way, does look ageless. And she's rockin' those "Strange Days" braids. Fiona is right, "good black don't crack."
In the least interesting storyline, Cordelia (Sara Paulson) and her hubby, Hank (Josh Hamilton)--wait a minute, where did HE come from?! And what's up with that jean jacket? Anyway, they're trying to have a kid and she doesn't want to use her magic to make it happen. He talks her into it anyway and they have a crazy night of circular, snake-charming sex.
This episodes take-aways:
- When you put a bull's head on a man, it apparently cannot be removed in 180 years. (Unless the minotaur thing just turns Marie on?)
- Snakes can help you get preggers.
- If you're buried alive for 180 years, you should take a bath when you're dug up.
- Don't try to get a free piece of fried chicken from Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe)
- Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac still rock.
"American Horror Story: Coven" returns at 9 p.m. CT Oct. 23 on FX.
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