The Oscars telecast's rocky road

Last night's Oscars were like an emotional roller-coaster at a terrible amusement park--beginning wth Seth MacFarlane's as-bad-as-feared monologue, the show rarely rose above painful and hit few peaks. Allow us to relive some of the night's best and worst moments, not necessarily in that order.

10:55 p.m. After an intro and announcement by Michelle Obama (!), "Argo" wins Best Picture. It was the fifth-best of the nine nominees. Good enough. #happyforaffleck

10:49 p.m. Best Actor winner/absolute lock Daniel Day-Lewis jokes that he and Meryl Streep were going to play each other's parts in "The Iron Lady" and "Lincoln," which was going to be a musical. My vote was for Joaquin Phoenix ("The Master"), but DD-L's speech was beautiful.

10:34 p.m. Ang Lee wins Best Director for "Life of Pi." Glad I predicted that Steven Spielberg wouldn't win, but I didn't want Lee to win either. Celebration thwarted.

10:26 p.m. Quentin Tarantino wins Best Original Screenplay for "Django Unchained" and refuses to get off the stage he shouldn't have been on in the first place.

10:24 p.m. "Argo" wins a competitive category to take Best Adapted Screenplay. Not my favorite, but better than "Lincoln."

9:23 p.m. Anne Hathaway ("Les Miserables") undeservedly wins Best Supporting Actress, as everyone expected. She still begins with, "It came true" and can't remember if she thanked everyone because she didn't write it down. After a meaningful note to her husband, she closes with a generic social statement about prostitution and injustice. Sigh.

9:14 p.m. "Do you want to work in this town or don't you?" After asking if Mark Wahlberg is Jewish because of the "berg" in his name, the bear from "Ted" makes the exact joke we predicted, in reference to the cliche of an abundance of Jewish people in Hollywood. It's clear that MacFarlane does have a problem with this.

9:11 p.m. Mark Wahlberg and Ted from "Ted" use impressive technology to discuss "the big post-Oscars Hollywood orgy." Don't act like that doesn't resemble a conversation you've had twice.

8:53 p.m. John Travolta correctly pronounces "Seyfried," mispronounces "Miserables" and introduces a showcase of the top musicals of the last decade, which includes only three movies. Catherine Zeta-Jones pretends to sing "Chicago"; Jennifer Hudson of course nails "Dreamgirls"; of the "Les Mis" cast, Samantha Barks again out-sings Anne Hathaway, and Russell Crowe (unintentionally) earns one of the night's few laughs.

8:42 p.m. MacFarlane uses endorsement of Jessica Chastain in "Zero Dark Thirty" to get in a dig at women. We predicted misogyny and are happy to say we called it.

8:41 p.m. "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth." Seth, people aren't going to laugh at that.

8:22 p.m. "50 Years of Bond" montage makes the franchise's films and music blend together, but Shirley Bassey's rendition of "Goldfinger" soldifies the cool.

8:16 p.m. MacFarlane suggests Jennifer Aniston was a stripper and won't admit it. To quote "Cedar Rapids": "Barely even a joke."

8:07 p.m. Cinematographer Roger Deakins ("Skyfall") loses again. He also worked on "No Country for Old Men" and "Shawshank." He's never won.

7:59 p.m. "Brave," the least best of the Best Animated Feature nominees, wins. Point added for director Mark Andrews living the title and accepting in a kilt.

7:50 p.m. Christoph Waltz, my second choice in the category, wins Best Supporting Actor for his (lead) role in "Django Unchained." Nice speech too.

7:39 p.m. Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dance, drastically increasing on-stage likability.

7:37 p.m. To show he's classier than we think, MacFarlane sings ... a song assumedly called, "We Saw Your Boobs."

7:36 p.m. "Your jokes are tasteless and inappropriate and everyone ends up hating you." William Shatner's Captain Kirk, kidding/telling MacFarlane the truth.

7:34 p.m. MacFarlane has waited as long as he can and busts out the Chris Brown/Rihanna joke. It goes over exactly as expected.

7:31 p.m. One minute into the show, Seth MacFarlane suggests Ron Jeremy was asked to host, seemingly unconcerned that the porn star could do a better job.

Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Seth MacFarlane's Oscars: He's not worst host ever

    Seth MacFarlane's Oscars: He's not worst host ever

    Everyone seemed to be talking about what Seth MacFarlane would do as host of the Oscars. On Sunday night, MacFarlane kept that dialogue going, making Hollywood's big night all about Seth MacFarlane.

  • Chicago sues red light camera firm for $300 million

    Chicago sues red light camera firm for $300 million

    Mayor Rahm Emanuel's administration has sued Chicago's former red light camera operator, Redflex Traffic Systems, for more than $300 million on grounds the entire program was built on a $2 million bribery scheme at City Hall that has already led to federal corruption convictions.

  • Marrow's 'The Gold Standard' raises the Chicago rock bar

    Marrow's 'The Gold Standard' raises the Chicago rock bar

    The four musicians in Marrow know quite a bit about bringing diverse influences to the table. After all, three of them, singer-guitarist Liam Kazar, singer-keyboardist Macie Stewart and bassist Lane Beckstrom were in Kids These Days, a now-defunct septet that combined jazz, funk, rap and rock in...

  • The Kids These Days family tree

    The Kids These Days family tree

    From its 2009 beginnings to its 2013 demise, Chicago's Kids These Days seemed like one of the most promising acts the city had seen in years. While the band split up at the height of its hype, its members have since gone on to do bigger and better things—seriously impressive considering the hip-hop/rock/jazz...

  • Solid 'Gold': How ex-Kids These Days members came back stronger as Marrow

    Solid 'Gold': How ex-Kids These Days members came back stronger as Marrow

    After the dissolution of Kids These Days, the much-buzzed about Chicago fusion-jazz-rock-rap septet that split in spring 2013 just a few months after releasing its only album, “Traphouse Rock,” some of its members spent what seems like all of 20 minutes bandless. "We were driving back from the...

  • Mr Twin Sister's 'In the House of Yes' is one of last year's hidden treasures

    Mr Twin Sister's 'In the House of Yes' is one of last year's hidden treasures

    Welcome to RedEye's "Song of the Day," an ongoing feature where music reporter Josh Terry or another RedEye staff member highlights something they're listening to. Some days the track will be new, and some days it will be old. No matter what, each offering is something you should check out. Check...

  • GrubHub's weekend customer-support issues made people hangry

    GrubHub's weekend customer-support issues made people hangry

    Technical difficulties at GrubHub and Seamless over the weekend drove hordes of hangry would-be customers to air their grievances on social media. The food ordering and delivery sites, which merged in 2013 and use GrubHub’s back-end technology, errantly accepted payments on Saturday evening without...

  • One dead in Heart of Chicago after being shot by police

    One dead in Heart of Chicago after being shot by police

    A 29-year-old man died after being shot by police on the Lower West Side early Saturday, police said.