'The Bachelor' recap: The triumphant return of Kacie B.

Greeting, ya'll, and welcome to my now-weekly "Bachelor" recap for the Sean Lowe season. Wow, how exciting. Full disclosure, the girls I lived with in college recently got me hooked on this show, so I'm a little late to the party. I was also late to this season and missed last week's episode. Any potential confusion stems from there. I'll make it up, I promise.
This season seemed like it got off to a great start by the looks of the Internet last week, and I'm excited for another season with Kacie B. and, apparently, "no rules." Bummer, I was watching this for the rules.
Sarah nabs the first solo date, which was either a producer ploy or a genuinely solid gesture from Sean, who actually seems like a genuinely solid dude--a strange change from the buffoonery of Ben. Anyway, the date actually goes extremely well: they jump off a building and defeat "the only fear that [Sarah] can think of," and she gets the first rose, kiss and "I think I'm falling in love with him" of the season! And she literally conquers all of her fears, so she's the real winner no matter what.
The next day, Chris Harrison appears and very sincerely asks the ladies, "What do you think of the mansion?" They approve. Chris explains that Sean is "very serious" and he could (read: will) propose at the end of the season. They approve again, this time sizing each other up with terrifyingly devious expressions. They do not all approve, however, of Tierra, quickly proving herself this season's Courtney, and she's just being so rude, you know?
You can see the Courtney Complex rearing its head during the next challenge, a modeling shoot with Sean. With some of the other girls already mumbling about outing Tierra as a bitch to Sean, Kristy the model gets pumped and wins the competition, which nabbed her three Harlequin covers also. So, cool. And actually, other than Tierra, the other girls are not even mad, because "[Kristy and Sean] were really hot." Can't argue with facts.
Next day is a group date, and with a rose at stake, we see Kacie B., who is now the seasoned vet, attempt to go to work. "The second time around, you're so much smarter," she says with a HUGE smile, as she lulls the other girls into thinking that she's there to help them as much as she is to win. Her earnestness forges her some valuable "trust" with the other girls, but it also inspires an awkward exchange between her and Sean about leaving the friend zone, and when Kacie asks, "Is that something you want to do?", the question hangs there like a frozen winter booger for a few seconds before Sean recovers, with some tepid reassurance.
But Kacie B. winds up with the rose anyway, despite Leslie getting very kissy and Tierra already being in straight-up desperate-ruthlessness mode. Katie, the big-haired yoga instructor from Cali., becomes the token "leaving the show" girl after feeling uncomfortable, and Kacie B. reassuringly tells her "This isn't normal. It's not for everyone" Kacie, I'm afraid if you ever recognized the irony of everything that comes out of your mouth, you'd turn to a pillar of salt or something.
The last single date is with Desiree and turns into "Bachl'rd," a hidden camera show, where they do a really bad job of attempting Desiree to think she broke some sculpture at an art show. It's a stupid prank to begin with and the execution is even worse, mostly because Sean feels so bad about it. No matter, because it ends up "showing her sense of humor," and works out so nicely that it's boring. My notes actually read: "FUTURE. BLAH. FUN. BLAH. YOU'VE SEEN ALL MY SIDES."
On the last night, tensions are high as the remaining girls realize "this is not a game" even though it is very much a game that they just haven't figured out how to play. Robyn comes armed with a question about how seriously Sean will consider the non-white girls, which he fields effortlessly. This dude sounds like a politician, only believable.

The girls are unhappy with Amanda now, who appears to be in a hate coma, stink-faced and totally unresponsive when Desiree attempts a conversation. Sean steals her for the night's final exchange and abruptly ends her sneering. While they're away, Kacie B. talks to Desiree and it's basically like Kacie B. looking in the mirror as she listens to Desiree trys to moralize Amanda's behavior. ("It's not right!")
At the final rose ceremony, Amanda, Brooke and Diana are on the chopping block. The final rose goes to Amanda, and everyone momentarily forgets how much they couldn't stand Tierra no more than two TV hours ago. Diana and Brooke go home and, alas, I literally did not know ye, because I didn't watch the first episode. RIP.
"I think I'm falling in love with him" count: 1
Running tab of things Tierra is "not here to do": make friends, get hurt, lose the competition, play dress up.
Quotes without context

  • "Thank you. I do consider myself a man."--Sean
  • "Homegirl's a little excited to do a photoshoot."--Katie
  • "I'm seeing another side of you, maybe a little ...sexier of a side?"--Sean
  • "Ew, Amanda looks so creepy."-- Leslie (I think)
  • "I love the way you say 'my wife.'"--Selma
  • "Sean finally gets me, and he might connect with me. But he might connect the with other girls too. I mean, he's with Leslie now, and he was with Leslie before... and now they're making out. This is not ok for me!"--one of the three blonde girls who look very similar, not trying to be misogynist, I just don't have DVR and forgot which one.

"The Bachelor" air on ABC at 7 p.m. CST every Monday.

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