Godzilla

Godzilla (Courtesy of Warner Bros. Picture / courtesy Nintendo of America. HA / May 12, 2014)

From Bryan Cranston to Ken Watanabe to Elizabeth Olsen to Sally Hawkins, there's no shortage of A-list stars in Gareth Edwards' "Godzilla," out Friday. But there's one big name who's shied away from the red carpet, avoiding all interviews and keeping a low profile: the man himself. But through the powers of our international monster contacts (read: our imaginations), we managed to land an exclusive with the world's most famous tyrant lizard, Godzilla. With the help of a translator, here's what he had to say about his latest film, his emotional journey and his favorite way to fill a tortilla.

 

Why should audiences pick your film this weekend over, say, "Million Dollar Arm"?

!!!!!GRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW RARAREAFKJDAKLF DJARRAAWWR!!!

(Translation: Are you [bleeping] kidding me? The only thing Jon Hamm can knock down is a woman's panties.)

 

How do you respond to the Asian criticism that you look fat in this movie?

!!!!!!!GRAAAAAAAAAFHAHAHAHA RAAAAAAAAA WWWWRRR!!!!!

(Translation: You know I could eat you at any second, right?)

 

Why exactly are you so angry?

!!!!!!GRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRARAR BLAAARFARGRAAAARR SMARF!!!!!!

(Translation: You'd be pretty pissed off too if someone kept asking you that question.)

 

Have you considered a method of conflict resolution outside of stomping and shouting?

!!!!!!FLARPHMPHAFA GRAFDADN BLAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

(Translation: My doctor tried putting me on Xanax for a while, but we just couldn't get the dosage right.)

 

So, it seems reasonable to guess that, as an enormous male lizard, you're fairly well endowed. How do you keep from injuring yourself and others with your more ... delicate ... areas?

!!!!!BLAAAAAAAAAAFDAJFKLAFHUIJ KJDAFJA FDAJKFDAK;LFJDAK FDJAKLFJKDAL!!!!!

(Translation: Did you ask Jon Hamm that question too? It seems to me he's getting plenty of press for HIS pants party. I'm not answering this.)

 

OK, sorry, sorry. On a less-sensitive note, how do you keep your skin so soft?

!!!!!! GAAAAAWRDFDAJKLJDA FAJKBFAHUEW;ADJKLA AKLJ;EWIOHADFSJKL!!!!!

(Translation: A combination of Nivea, good genes and lamb's blood.)

 

If you weren't a big scary monster, what do you think you'd be doing with your life?

!!!!!!ADSUYGG YADNJKADSH DFSHFADSGU IADSNJK DSAFHIADSF HUIADSFJ!!!!!!

(Translation: My uncle was a flight attendant; I always thought that sounded interesting. Of course, I can stomp to anywhere I need to go, so the perks of the job aren't nearly as alluring.)

 

What did you think of the "Breaking Bad" ending?

!!!!!BLAAAAAAARRRRR RAHAHAHA SCHRAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Translation: I'm worried about whether Jesse ended up in a good situation, but I really feel like that was the only way things could have gone for Walt. That scene with the machine-gun car was SICK, too!)

 

What's one city in the world you would never want to destroy?

!!!CHICAGO RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRR!!!!

(Translation: Chicago.)

 

Describe your perfect burrito.

!!!!! BFHADHAJKDFASJ KLFDSAHIOWTNJK DFSAJKASDFKBH WWEHUASDFKLJ ADFSJLADFSHIUAKJB AEGIASFGADSFJLI !!!!

(Translation: Have you been to Thai Burrito in Lincoln Park? Yeah, pretty much that. I'm a big fan of the panang curry.)