This week’s episode is titled “Vagina Panic.” Because what girl over the age of 13 hasn’t experienced a panic of the vagina at some point? Score one for “Girls,” already.
Play along as we recap the latest episode of “Girls,” which included lots of uncomfortable T&A and scenes from the gyno office.
Weird sex fantasies
The episode opens to Hannah and Adam having some good ol’ graphic sex, where Adam spouts off a fantasy of how they met: "You had your Cabbage Patch lunchbox"...
7—Meh, this doesn't usually happen with guys you're not actually dating, but... 9 for "I almost came." Yup. -DM
9—I actually find that dudes are even weirder in bed when you’re not really dating them. They haven’t a care in the world about freaking you out—because they don’t really intend to interact with you in six months. Also, such sadface on the reality of that last part. -JG
Shoshanna puts together her “manifestation board” of the things she longs for in life while Jessa smokes a joint out the window.
1—No. We are not Oprah. -DM
1—Who’s Oprah? -JG
"We always use condoms."/"Do we?"
Before heading off to accompany Jessa during her abortion, she and Adam have a weird exchange about unintended pregnancy and condoms.
5—Again, depends on the guy. But this one is a DOG, so this kind of behavior is to be expected. -DM
8—Run girl, run! I’d be wiling to bet Adam at one point used the “But I can’t feel anything uuughhh” line on Hannah. And that she unfortunately fell for it. -JG
Hannah sits on her bed, fresh from a shower in her towel, while searching phrases like “Diseases that come from no condom for one second” and “stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms."
10—This is what Google was made for, right? Especially while towel-clad and straight out of the shower. -DM
10—The best part is when you come to realize you weren’t the first to Google such things. Love those search predictions. -JG
The girlfriend who is suddenly enlightened by a book about relationships/men
Shoshanna shares some wisdom from a book she recently picked up.
4—Meh, more likely to be Google. This sounds like the plot of "He's Just Not That Into You," which, speaking of, Ginnifer Goodwin's character deserves to have her head squished in that movie. -DM
6--That had to be a knock at that horrible movie, right? Right? Dana’s right, but that doesn’t mean that twentysomething women still aren’t swallowed whole for a month after reading a nonsensical book about relationships. Or watching a Vh1 reality show about how to snag a man. -JG
"If I wanted to go on some dates I would, but I don't. They're for lesbians."
Jessa is kind of pissed about said wisdom Shoshanna shared.
7—Dating sucks. It just does. If there were a magical button that you could push and the perfect person who you're already comfortable with could pop up next to you, you know you'd totally push it. -DM
4—I’m not exactly clear on how dates are for lesbians, but dating is quite the sucky series of means to a climactic end. -JG
The tasteless joke in a job interview that ruins everything
Right as her interview seems to be going well, Hannah cracks a joke insinuating her interviewer was a date rapist at Syracuse.
6—Hmm, strange things happen, but not this bad. And as a Syracuse grad, I will say that after reading a Rolling Stone article about Dartmouth earlier this week, SU is NOT that bad. -DM
6—Hasn’t happened to me during an interview, but, almost without fail, I’m prone to making sexual cracks my first week on the job that result in serious redface. -JG
No real sense of time—“These things never start on time.”
Jessa stops at a bar on the way to her doctor’s appointment to get a drink.
10—As someone who's super-anal about being punctual, I never do these things, but everyone else and their mother does. I'm definitely the Shoshanna of this show. Oh god, "Sex and the City"-like comparisons have begun. -DM
10—Being late to your own abortion because you’re busy getting your White Russian on is one thing. But being 10-plus minutes late to a get-together because you’re sure you’re not missing anything? Yes. -JG
“A little bird told me that you were getting an STD test – Fun.”
Shoshanna makes small talk with Hannah and Marnie as they wait for Jessa to arrive at the doctor’s office.
4—Virginal friends don't ever admit to being virginal. They lock it away like the (non) dirty little secret that it is. -DM
6—Anyone who has had one knows how absolutely not-fun they are. But when you look at it as proof that you’re now finally a sexually active adult? OK, I get that. (Except when there’s actually something to worry about.) -JG
"Are they wont to do that?"
Hannah and Marnie discuss the post-coital habits of men sporting condoms once they’ve, uh…climaxed. Inside of a woman. And decide whether to, uh, hang in there a while.
10—Yes they are. -DM
Sex in the bar bathroom with the guy who borrowed your phone
That’s what Jessa was doing while her friends waited an hour-and-a-half for her at the doctor’s office.
X—Well, it is like 2 p.m. ... but she is having a really traumatic day. So ... official rating is no comment. -DM
2—Lies. I always assume anyone who claims to have had sex in a bar bathroom is lying. -JG
"I'm 143 pounds, but the nurse weighed me with my clothes on. That was a rude thing to do."
Hannah adds a footnote to her gynecologist’s declaration of her weight.
10—IT REALLY DOES ADD 1-2 POUNDS. -DM
10—It’s the boots, man. -JG
Bad humor during a gyno exam
Hannah and her gynecologist have an awkward exchange about Hannah’s “handful” of a one partner, as well as about Hannah’s “Forrest Gump-based” fear about contracting AIDS. (You know, because of Robin Wright Penn’s character.)
8—Actual convo between me and my male gyno: Him: "So what does your boyfriend do?" Me: "I don't have a boyfriend." Him: "But you said on your form you were sexually active." Me: "Yes, I did." That was the last time I will ever go to a male gyno. -DM
9—Can we please institute a rule to keep the small talk to a minimum when I’m anticipating you sticking objects inside of me in just a few minutes? -JG
Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.
Dana Moran is RedEye's Whoville princess. She hates going to the gyno. @redeyedana
Jessica Galliart is the RedEye Social Media Lady. She urges you to wear a condom, fer chrissakes. @jessicagalliartCopyright © 2015, RedEye