Apologies on our absence last week, ladies and gents. One of us was too busy recovering from throwing an epic rager/almost punching a guy in the wang at North Avenue Beach and the other didn't leave the house for three days due to a"Breaking Bad"marathon. We'll let you guess which was which.
Anyway, this episode finds Hannah in the throes of lurve, Marnie in the throes of breakup tears and Shoshanna hopefully banging that dude from the last episode, because we can't find her anywhere. Play along as we recap and score the relatability of this week's WTF moments.
Watching home movies with the new boyfriend
The episode opens to Hannah’s boyfriend, condoms and peanut butter jars strewn about, where Adam and Hannah are watching old home movies of Adam as a kid via a projector.
4--This may be the commitment phobia talking, but isn’t it kind of early for this? I thought guys didn’t usually frown upon talking about their childhoods. -JG
8--It's never too early to never leave your bedroom, especially if you've known the guy for a while. I'm just impressed they took the time to set up the projector. -DM
Facebook stalking the ex-boyfriend
Meanwhile, Marnie clicks through Charlie’s Facebook photos of him with his new girlfriend doing couple-ish things: riding bikes, hugging, et cetera.
10--There are few better ways to say “[Bleep] you, evil ex-girlfriend]” than to post super-happy photos on your Facebook, fully knowing she’s going to analyze the hell out of them and not wash her hair for days. -JG
9--Photos of him, photos of him and you, photos of him and his elementary-school dog... ANY photos of him are going to be bad enough. DO NOT LOOK AT THE NEW GF, especially when you're still in vomit-hair mode -DM
Thin walls/passive-aggressive response
Sex noises and dirty talk. Marnie can hear them through her bedroom wall as Hannah and Adam have a particularly weird exchange about if Hannah would bang 4-year-old Adam.
10--When you finally move into an apartment by yourself mostly because you really want to not hear these noises from your roommate ever again (and not have these noises heard ever again) and then you live on your own and never really have sex, like, ever... -JG
10--Loud sex now, apologies later. Sorry, Marnie, but it sounds like Hannah's finally having non-"I almost came" fun times, and anyone who gets in the way of that leaves herself open to death threats. -DM
Despite her incessant whining the entire time, Adam takes Hannah running outside, telling her she’s doing great and pushing her to keep going.
4--Bonus hilarity: “Get up! Charlie’s in the bushes!” Where can I get one of these?! Just kidding. The only time I want a dude I’m involved with to see me sweat and turn beat-red is, well, you know. -JG
7--Put this thing down, flip it and reverse it and you're more likely to have me. Maybe I need to work on my screaming... -DM
The roommate+boyfriend counseling the brokenhearted roommate
Hannah and Adam pause their kitchen sex when Sad Marnie walks in, still devastated about her breakup with Charlie. Adam offers some advice, revealing a bit about one of his tough breakups.
8--Sure, it’s kind of cute to see your guy give advice to your sad friend. But from the sad friend perspective, your friend’s boyfriend is sometimes the absolute last person you want advice from. Especially after you walk in on them about to bang. -JG
2--Ummm was I the only one who noticed Adam's junk was out here? Anyone? I don't think he'd be feeling very advice-y. -DM
Legs of fire
Expecting to hang out with Hannah, Jessa stops by the apartment and demands Marnie let her in because her “legs are on fire.” Further explanation: “My thighs are really rubbing together. Feels like an epic fuckfest with a ghost. I just wish I had a wheelchair for June and July.”
10--Thighs that rub together singlehandedly make summer, no-tights weather the absolute worst thing of all time. Every time I see a girl strolling around town with no tights on and zero semblance of pain in her face, I want to scream “Why me?!” -JG
9--Hallelujah, someone is finally addressing this! Well, other than Summer's Eve, which actually makes a product to combat this very phenomenon. Unless you're so skinny that your legs don't touch when you walk, this happens. -DM
Boyfriend sneaks into the shower
Mid-rinse, Hannah is startled in the shower by a hilariously lurking Adam.
3--The shower is where magical things like shampoo mohawks and shaving happen--it’ll ruin everything if your guy pops in unexpected and sees all of the behind-the-scenes work that goes into that hairless bod of yours. -JG
7--Him being there is good, him sneaking in with a Norman Bates look on his face is very, very bad. -DM
Getting peed on in the shower without permission
Adam starts laughing. Unbeknownst to Hannah (for a few seconds), he is definitely peeing on her. “Oh my god, you’re peeing on me. Stop it! It’s not funny, so stop laughing it’s gross.”
1--At this point, nothing weird Adam does should surprise us. But he does have a good point when she jumps out of the shower: “Doesn’t make sense to get out now, there’s pee on you.” -JG
2--This is an ASK situation, Adam! -DM
Getting free drinks from the suit at the end of the bar
The funny-sexy cop from “Bridesmaids” sends Marnie and Jessa martinis from the end of the bar to strike up conversation.
7--This is yet another girl thing that hasn’t happened to me. And I’m not really complaining. Men in suits make me uncomfortable, and if a dude was wearing a suit to any of the bars I go to, he would most definitely be a serial killer. -JG
5--The girls whose legs don't touch when they walk are the same ones who get suits buying them drinks. The guys who buy me drinks ask if I "fancy another whiskey." -DM
Hanging out wearing long underwear with your dude
Dubbed “giant baby suits,” Hannah and Adam talk wear matching long underwear while discussing the shower pee incident.
2--Um, isn’t it summer in New York City? Gross. -JG
1--No. This is a naked time. -DM
Discovering a guy is a wannabe DJ
After some resistance from Jessa, Marnie convinces her to go back to Thomas John’s (guy from the bar) apartment for wine. He has an elaborate setup in his lavish apartment so he can create his mash-ups, which he, of course, plays for the girls.
7--Considering maybe one out of every five DJ hobbyists is somewhat tolerable, this is usually the kiss of death. Horrifying. -JG
7--This is marginally better than the aspiring improv comedian, if only because you can pretend later like you were dancing really, really hard. -DM
Impromptu makeout with your straight girlfriend in front of a guy
Look at that! Marnie and Jessa are now making out on the floor of Thomas John’s apartment.
7--Act of rebellion. I know Marnie is kind of losing her mind, but I’ve never understood how kissing another girl seems like a viable way to “be free” or rebel when times are though. I blame Katy Perry. And porn, I guess. -JG
6--Didn't they call this "giving it the old college try"? Take a message, ladies, the grown-up version of this escape route is the friend-has-a-phone-emergency. Although this is the guy from "Bridesmaids"... -DM
Middle of the night wakeup to apologize
Adam wakes up Hannah and asks her to come outside. He has plastered “I’m sorry” signs on a wall near the intersection where he yelled at a car that almost hit him and Hannah earlier that day.
7--While the creativity and thoughtfulness is appreciated, you have to be pretty selective about when and under what circumstances you should wake up your significant other in the middle of the night to apologize. Uninterrupted sleep is precious, you guys. -JG
8--Ohhh, this is adorable. Although if a guy put me up on his shoulders like that, I'd probably freak the [bleep] out and start screaming that one broken back is enough for a lifetime. But in general, love it. --DM
Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.
Dana Moran is RedEye’s Whoville gossip goddess. She DOES fancy another whiskey. @redeyedana
Jessica Galliart is RedEye’s social media lady. She totally lives alone. *winkwink* @jessicagalliart @jessicagalliartCopyright © 2015, RedEye