Ah, the much-needed weekend back home--where you're reminded of what your life would have been like if you hadn't run away to the city all those years ago.
In this week's episode of"Girls,"Hannah returns to Michigan for quick weekend in the burbs with her folks. And in which Marnie gets 20 seconds of screen time, Shoshanna is possibly still hiding behind a curtain and Hannah sees her dad's wang. Eeek.
How much of this jaunt away from the city is actually relatable to delusional twentysomethings like us? Let's break it down.
Trash bags to your parents house
Hannah leaves her apartment and heads to the airport with a giant, black trash bag to visit her parents for the weekend.
2--They let you check trash bags on a plane?! -JG
1--Really? Can you really check those? Methinks not. Also, surely Hannah could have borrowed all manner of fancy suitcases from Marnie, most likely louis Vuitton. -DM
Parents are convinced you missed your flight
Muttering about how she probably missed her flight, Hannah’s parents wait to pick her up from the airport.
9--Sorry I didn’t text you to let you know I got on the plane, as I was busy McCallister’ing my ass through the hell that is O’Hare. I’m waiting an hour in baggage claim, so just chill, Pops. -JG
2--Parents are waaaaaay too up on the pre-flight texting for this to be an issue. Kind of imperative when you're going all the way to Seattle. Side note: I STILL don't understand how the McAllisters made an international flight in O'Hare in 45 minutes. It literally cannot be done. -DM
Parents telling you about jobs back home in passing
Hannah’s parents strike up some chit-chat in the car, and her mom throws out a quick mention of a post-grad fellow position at MSU. (She’s from Michigan!)
8--They just want you to come home, OK? It’s cute, and nobody will ever want you around more than your parents do. Just love the love for a minute. -JG
3--They know I will laugh in their faces. Sorry guys, Portland is the closest you'll get for a while. --DM
Your childhood bedroom is exactly the way you left it
Bright blue iMac, graduation photos, wicker furniture--Hannah calls and hangs up on Adam from her bedroom, which looks like it hasn’t been touched since she went to college.
4--Most of my friends’ parents either turned their old bedrooms into home gyms or just moved the hell out. My parents, on the other hand, refuse to paint over my glitter stencils and have “organized” my “keepsakes,” aka the shitty trinkets I collected from those $5 Claire’s baskets throughout the years. -JG 5--This one is very much a mixed bag. All of my Got Milk ads have been taken down, but my cat-showing ribbons are still there. I mean...what....yeahhhh... --DM
Raiding the fridge after your parents go to bed
Hannah goes H.A.M. on the leftovers in her parents’ fridge. Pasta doesn’t require a fork, does it?
13--Instant crushed ice! Cooked food that wasn’t born in a microwave! A smorgasbord of ice cream, and not just the store brand shit! -JG
11--Hey, you guys forgot to buy the right cheese! And chips! Can we just go to the store? --DM
Visiting old friend--who still works at that coffee shop
Obviously procrastinating on that urgent errand her mom asked her to run, Hannah stops by a coffee shop to see her high school friend, who is still reeling from the Carrie incident, which sounds eerily similar to the Natalie Holloway tragedy. Oh, and she’s moving to L.A. to become a dancer.
9--You know what sucks? When you realize you’re more interested in snagging that free coffee and GTFO than suffering through awkward silences with your high school friend you haven’t seen in seven years. -JG
3--What is this high school friend you speak of? I'm that girl who only wants to hang with her family when she goes home. --DM
Getting recognized while doing errands
At the pharmacy, a guy from Hannah’s high school recognizes her from her “Holla at Hannah” advice column in the school paper. After awkwardly giving her free lube in the parking lot, he asks her to go out later.
10--I can barely remember the name of the dude I’ve sat next to at work for two years when I’m on a mission at the pharmacy, let alone someone I haven’t seen in seven years. How do they do that? -JG 8--This usually happens while my mom and I are at the grocery store picking up the above mentioned cheese and chips. Most of the people I would bone from my high school ate married though. Alas. I'm also impressed by Hannah's parking, because driving is TERRIFYING. --DM
Ditching your parents on that trip home to see your parents
Hannah convinces her parents to let her go out with Eric instead of going to their anniversary dinner. Why? “I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time. I need to learn what’s it like to be treated well before it’s too late for me.”
10--As someone who makes just as many batshit decisions as Hannah, I’ll a big fat ditto out there to jumping on an opportunity like this one, regardless of whose anniversary it is. -JG
7--This awesome line would be even better if Hannah actually believed it herself. But maybe it's a glimmer of hope. --DM
Pep talks before a date
While changing outfits a few times, Hannah assures herself, in the mirror, “You are from New York; therefore, you are just natural interesting, k? The worst stuff that you say sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.”
9--I once did a mirror pep talk in the bathroom at Flat Iron in Wicker Park, mid-date. The quietest-pee’r-ever girl in the stall drunkenly patted me on the back when she left. -JG
10--If you're not doing this, you're not nervous enough. --DM
Awkward convo about your life in the city
Eric and Hannah get to talking about jobs and not being able to pay rent, which leads to Eric asking Hannah what her “real job” is in New York: “I’m a writer.” / “That’s how you make money?” / “No, I don’t have any money.” [Awkward silence]
9--Pro tip: Keep these storylines as vague as possible. Once you tell your friends back home how stressful living in the city can be, that magical glow emitting from you fades away. -JG
8-- I mostly just flounce around town wearing my "Devil Wears Prada" face. Also, the more Jessa-like your outfits can be, the better, especially if you'd never wear them in real life. --DM
The gentlemanly triple-check before intercourse
Eric and Hannah strip and prepare to get it on at Eric’s house. He stops for a second and says, “We don’t have to have sex...I don’t want to pressure you.” Hannah says, “I like pressure.”
4--Err, they don’t do that. But POW, nice comeback, Hannah Banana. -JG
6-- The NICE ones do that. I bet Charlie drove Marnie totally nuts doing that. Mmmm this guy is cute though. --DM
Someone putting a finger where it isn’t welcomed during sex
We could tell this was going in a weird direction. Hannah surprises Eric by putting her finger, well, in his butt.
6--You’d think Hannah would have learned this was a no-no after the unfortunate surprise SHE got in the first episode, with Adam. Do not butt-poke others as you would not want butt-poked to be done unto you. -JG
7-- That's an ask-first move, girlfriend. Do we need to make a list for you? --DM
Helping your parents after a sex injury
The mom from “Freaks and Geeks” and the nerdy dad from “Camp Nowhere” get graphically freaky in the shower. Dad throws his back out, falls down and passes out briefly.
0--Parents don't have sex, so parents can't get sex injuries. Right? --DM
“He’ll do for the day”
Hannah’s mom asks about her date, and the two seem to connect in a surprising, unspoken way when she interprets Hannah’s “He was nice” comment as “He’ll do for the day.”
10--I’ve never mentioned anything even close to sex in the presence of my mom, but I have used the “He’ll do for the day” reference at least three times since watching this. -JG
4-- Really? I don't think her mom was talking about sex, just companionship dating times. Also, ladies, why are you not taking dad to the hospital? That was a rough fall. --DM
Missing your not-boyfriend/girlfriend when (s)he’s away
We get our first inkling of Adam possibly really caring about Hannah when he returns her many calls from earlier--which she claims to forget doing--and tells her he misses her and wishes she were in New York.
9--Confusing. Awesome. Usually always disappointing and misleading. Stop grinning like an idiot. [Bleep] being in your 20s. -JG
8--They always call when you least expect it. Ughhh, Adam, you are Satan and of COURSE wear a sleeping mask. He might actually care, and say some things, but this type is always full of what you want to hear and nothing to back it up.
Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.
Dana Moran is RedEye’s Whoville gossip goddess. Shower sex injuries are no laughing matter, especially when you wake up with a maybe-broken nose. @redeyedana
Jessica Galliart is the RedEye Social Media Lady. She has only missed her flight once, OK? @jessicagalliart