ex

Sexually-driven conversation with an ex in which neither knows if the either is kidding or not
Charlie, there without his girlfriend, “jokes” with Marnie about having sex in the bathroom. Marnie reciprocates. She says she was kidding, he says he was, too.
9--Nobody is ever kidding about bathroom sex. Ever. -JG
10--Girlfriend looks like JLo at the Grammys. This is no time for playing games. Also, Jess, I’m glad to see you’ve updated your stance on bathroom sex since the abortion episode. We’ve come a long way together this season. -DM

 

The one aggro girl at the wedding
Shoshanna is pretty devastated, you guys. She wore white to Jessa’s wedding, she hasn’t gotten any action all season, her cousin just married a guy she met two weeks ago and “Everyone’s a dumb whore,” she says. 
8--I like to think there’s more than one of us at these things, but OK. -JG
10--The other one is off hyperventilating somewhere. I actually know someone who wore white to a wedding ON PURPOSE, and even the guys were talking about it behind her back. Shosh is right to freak out, this is beyond not OK. -DM

 

panic face

Panic face after your new S.O. skips ahead to long-term plans
While slow-dancing, Adam tells Hannah that the two of them are “in it for the long haul.”
9--Seriously, her face says it all. Probably best to avoid statements like this until it has been discussed and cried about a lot. -JG
4--AUGH HANNAH BE HAPPY, this is what you wanted!!! If this were me, I would be making her back-of-the-cab face from a few episodes ago. -DM

 

couple fight

Couple fight at a wedding
Hannah recruits Elijah (gay ex-boyfriend) at the wedding to be her new roommate (it’s cool, he DID give her HPV and she has forgiven him). Adam gets upset because he really did want to move in with Hannah and tells her he loves her. Pissed. “If you want to fuck me from behind at least pull my hair back,” he says. 
10--Can we just designate a special room for these fuckers who, without fail, get into fights with their significant others at weddings? Stay home next time or, you know, just break up, already. -JG
9/3--As the person who usually instigates these fights by flirting with the male half of the couple, I shall back away slowly from this one. But on the Elijah note, I would’ve clawed his fucking eyes out over the HPV. THAT SHIT IS NOT FUCKING CUTE. -DM

 

freak accident

Freak accident brings fighting couple back together
Not quite what happened, but...
1--I think this is the first time in a movie or TV show where a couple fights and someone gets hit by a car or falls down a mountain or whatever where the fight isn’t immediately forgotten about. Way to break the mold, “Girls.” -JG
3--This really only serves to fuel Adam’s rage. Poor lil’ guy. I really hope Hannah gets her head out of her ass and has some honest conversations with him. -DM 

 

wedding hookup

Hooking up with someone at a wedding you’d probably never hook up with
Marnie is clearly champagne-wasted when she flirts with the cheesy “SNL” guy over cake and cleavage. They have a frosting-covered kiss, which Charlie sees a glimpse of.
9--These are my favorite stories ever. Thanks, slutty friends! -JG
10--My pussy be yankin’. -DM (Oh God, forget I ever typed that. It’s the last recap of the season!)

 

virginity
Virginity loss!
Shoshanna almost manages to talk her way out of it. Except for she doesn’t!
8--It’s scary, no matter how hard you try to play it off. Big “way to go!” to Ray for taking the reins. He may be my new favorite person on this show. -DM
7--Everybody loses their virginity at some point, but most of us aren’t lucky enough to do so with a dude like Ray who understands the power given to him. I predict, however, that Shoshanna comes back next season saying the sex was terrible. -JG

 

asleep on cta
Falling asleep on the train
After Adam gets hit by a car in the street and taken away by an ambulance, which he would not let Hannah into, she gets on the subway, falls asleep and wakes up at the end of the line without her purse. 
15--Everyone has a story of ending up at the O’Hare Blue Line stop or Howard Red Line station at 4 a.m. on accident. Let’s start calling these situations El Adventures or something to make it sound not so lame. -JG
10--This may be the one time when everyone but me has a story about doing this. But really, everyone does, including my friend who had his wallet and iPod cut out of the front of his pants, and woke up with his earbuds still in. -DM

beach
Fuck it, I’ll go to the beach
Hannah sits in the sand and eats her leftover cake from the wedding. The end. 
3--I’d give anything to not be that person who would have a panic attack and overreact if my purse was stolen and I had no idea where I was. I thought we had so much in common, Hannah? -JG
1--I literally would be hyperventilating too hard to move. -DM

 

It’s over! What’d you think of HBO’s new summer series? Tell us at @redeyechicago on Twitter, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies. 

Dana Moran is RedEye’s Whoville gossip goddess. She would’ve shoved her way into the back of that ambulance, and probably gotten arrested. @redeyedana

Jessica Galliart is RedEye’s social media lady. She always always sobs at weddings, but not really because she’s “moved” or whatever.  @jessicagalliart