Big-screen Blind Spot, Halloween edition: 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'

Once in a while, a movie slips under your radar. For about, oh, 20 years. In ‘Big-screen blind spot,’ we sit down with those ‘classic’ movies everybody but us has seen and give them the nostalgia critic treatment.

Confession: Not only had I never seen “Killer Klowns from Outer Space,” I had no idea this movie even existed. If it were made today, I would be led to think it was about the Kardashians, but no, dear reader, it’s far, far worse.

For those who haven't seen the movie: It’s a happy-go-lucky evening at local makeout spot The Top of The World, and Debbie and Mike are about to get down with their champagne. BOOM! A comet falls to Earth! Only it’s not a comet at all—it’s a spaceship shaped like a circus tent that just happens to be filled with klowns thatlure their victims with kommon klown kapers, trap them in kotton kandy or giant bubbles and THEN EAT THEM.

If I had seen it in 1988 at the age of 3: First of all, what parent would let their 3-year-old watch this? “KKFOS” is the kind of thing your white-trash neighbor who lives in a double-wide puts on for the kids while she smokes a Parliament and reads the Enquirer with her hair in curlers. Then your mom comes back from doing errands and asks if you had a good time, and the neighbor lady did give you Lunchables, so you kind of did. But you’re mostly just glad to be going home, where it doesn’t smell like overused cat litter.

Secondly, IF I had actually seen this movie at 3, I probably would have been only mildly scared. I wasn’t one of those kids with a clown (or klown) phobia, and “KKFOS” is campy enough that even the wussiest tot can see the humor, and the bright colors and candy are pretty distracting. Who am I kidding, those klowns would’ve eaten me alive.

Now: Holy God, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. “KKFOS” manages to be sexist, homophobic and racist against Native Americans, all in the first 20 minutes. From what I can tell, the only trapped townsperson who was rescued was Debbie, who promptly goes back to her ex-boyfriend, Dave the Cop. The rest probably exploded in the hell tent. Also, the villains aren’t even defeated, they just shoot back into space in their tent, thus setting up an immediate sequel that only prisoners in solitary confinement should be forced to watch.

There’s something about an ice cream truck and a dog named Pooh Bear happening here, too, but I mostly just can’t even.

Only redeeming quality for me: The part when the killer klown sucks the lifeblood out of a cotton candy-cocooned human using the most elaborate krazy straw I’ve ever seen. That thing was like the ultimate gerbil tube.

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