By Ernest Wilkins, @ErnestWilkins
10:31 AM CDT, July 31, 2013
Question: Do any of you know how to fake a wedding? Actually, I just need to know how to fake a registry. Is there someone on Craigslist or something?
You see, yesterday I was introduced to the greatest act of capitalism I've ever seen. Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the Snoopermarket.
Overstock.com basically gave Snoop Doggy Dogg Dogg Lion free reign to create a market where he and his family sell stuff they like so that peons like you and can get a narrow glimpse into the world of the Doggy Dogg Dogg Lion clan. (Is "clan" the right terminology? Pride? Pack? I don't know, I was heavy into the WWF when they were teaching that stuff, I missed a lot.)
The store actually tells you a lot about the family. Stuff like:
Now, this store is not without faults. I'm not a savvy consumer by any means but it seems that Snoop may not have a grasp on the worth of things. Exhibit A:
In what galaxy would you pay $80 for a football? I don't care if it is a "NFL Game" ball. Man ... for $80, that thing better throw itself, catch itself, kick itself, cook eggs, produce a new season of "The Wire" and teach me how to love again.
First off, the fact that I've made it 28 years without knowing there were Shaft direct-to-TV movies almost broke me. I sat in the bathroom on the floor in the office for like 10 minutes before Jim came and got me. (SIDEBAR: I would tell you that there's a guy at the Trib who pees fairly aggressively, but Rose and Lorenzo ain't raise no snitch.)
Secondly, this is the only thing in the entire e-store (as of writing this) that is sold out. What does that say about our country? Is this a step in the right direction? Should I start wearing leather blazers? What do you mean, "not if you want to ever have sex with me"? I don't even KNOW you.
So wait, you're telling me that they expect someone to spend money on this? This is one of those rugs some dude is selling at a gas station next to a Nefertiti bust, that photo from the "Good Times" opening and a framed poster of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King re-creating the "Lord Willin'" album cover.
All in all, the entire experience is an enjoyable one. My hope is that more rappers get the opportunity to do more e-stores. The intersection of rap extravagance and consumerism is a beautiful thing. Just think, we're one step closer to seeing Rocapads become a reality. God Bless America.
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