Remember the duet all pop stars used to have back in the '90s? You know, the one where you would have two world-class talented singers just belting “WHOOOOOAAAAAYEAAAHHH” at each other for four minutes? Then it immediately sold 2 million copies and got nominated for a bunch of Grammys they’d lose to Celine Dion? The new Lady Gaga single “What Do U Want” (featuring R. Kelly) reminds me of those. Matter of fact, the song is so '90s that I had the following thoughts, in order:

  • ”Damn, this sounds like the video would cost a lot of money. I wonder who would direct it? Dave Meyers. Nah, Little X. Either way, he is wearing his Zorro mask, and she will have her cheeks out while they walk down a silver hallway. Also: Fish-eye lenses. Lots of them.”

 

  • ”Kells just mentioned roughing up haters. I feel like people don’t realize that R. Kelly could probably wreck somebody one-on-one. Hmmm ... who wins in a fight: R. Kelly or Bobby Brown in his prime? I’d watch that on PPV.”

 

  • ”Lady Gaga seems like the type of girl who was always doing a showcase somewhere that you had to pay $15 to sit on a wood box. The only thing they have to drink is a giant bottle of whatever the green-label Yellowtail wine is, and when you suggest plans she only ever wants to go to karaoke so she can show off."

 

  • ”R. Kelly just stretched the F-word to 19 syllables. He deserves sainthood.”

 

  • ”This song is confusing. I’m not sure if it’s about being mad at the media or about wanting to have sex. Maybe having angry sex with Lady Gaga, R. Kelly and a member of the media? That seems like it would be terrible. Unless it was like Soledad O’Brien. MMM, Soledad O’Brien ...”

 

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