The title “Drake vs. Lil Wayne” conjures all kinds of mental pictures. Is this a video game bonus round? A 10 billion-selling double album? A pay-per-view-only arm wrestling tournament?
Believe it or not, it’s a real tour featuring the labelmates, arriving locally Aug. 10 at First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre. (Tickets, ranging $35-$125.50, go on sale at noon Friday.) If they’re going to call it “Drake vs. Lil Wayne,” we’re going to face off Canada’s No. 1 son and the pride of New Orleans. Who has the better stats?
Lil Wayne: "A Milli"
Winner: Wayne. The song is a classic, even though the rapper incorrectly thought the backing vocals were saying "I'm Illi" when he recorded.
Lil Wayne: "Da Drought 3"
Drake: "Nothing Was The Same"
Winner: Wayne. His best album was a mixtape, and it was better than almost every album that came out that year, regardless of genre.
Lil Wayne: The "Rebirth" album
Drake: "Degrassi: The Next Generation"
Winner: Drake. "Rebirth" is a stone-cold abomination.
Contribution to the English language
Lil Wayne: "Bling Bling"
Winner: No one. Both phrases are beyond played out. If you hear someone saying them, this must not go unscolded.
Best guest appearance
Lil Wayne: DJ Khaled's "We Taking Over"
Drake: Rick Ross' "Stay Schemin'"
Winner: Drake. While Wayne did his best, Drake managed to infuriate haters AND Kobe Bryant's wife. Impressive!
Worst fashion choice
Lil Wayne: neon Trukfit clothes channeling his inner "Tony Hawk Pro Skater," dressing like he works at PacSun
Drake: The leopard-print North Face/wide receiver gloves combo in "The Motto" video.
Winner: Drake. Better to look like a dweeb than to look like a dweeb who can't drive yet.
Best crew member
Lil Wayne: Nicki Minaj
Drake: Nicki Minaj
Winner: Nicki Minaj
Can they dance?
Lil Wayne: No
Winner: Both. If you can't dance, don't dance. (Looking at you, Kanye.)
Favorite sports team
Lil Wayne: Every team that just so happens to be in the playoffs, regardless of sport
Drake: Toronto Raptors, Kentucky Wildcats
Lil Wayne: 4
Winner: Tie. Grammys don’t matter.
Overall winner: Drake. Seriously, "Rebirth" was that bad.
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