Stop what you are doing. I have a huge, mind-blowing story for you about a major celebrity. Get this:
Katy Perry was caught in ____ while ____ and his limo driver ____ an entire case of ____.
I will fill in each empty space on the first Wednesday of the next four months. Excited?
Fortunately, entertainment news items aren’t released this way, but we’re not far from it. Over the course of 20 hours Monday and Tuesday, the official poster for “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 2” was released in six separate pieces at six different Facebook URLs. The news release indicates this occurred at times geared toward consumption in New Zealand, Tokyo, Dubai, London and Buenos Aires (with the full poster revealed particularly for North America), ignoring the notion that people can use the Internet whenever they want regardless of their time zone.
You’ll never guess what the first piece of the poster was: A picture of Edward (Robert Pattinson) gazing intensely at Bella (Kristen Stewart), while she stared unhappily at the ground! This is a shocking revelation. It could mean that the final “Twilight” movie will have characters who are gloomy and lovers who sometimes look at each other, but other times look away. Spoiler alert!
A high percentage of the globe has drooled over Stephenie Meyer’s books and their big-screen adaptations, making stars of its cast—well, not really Taylor Lautner; the guy’s a model posing as an actor, and he’ll be out of our hair soon—and front-page tabloid news out of Pattinson and Stewart’s denied-then-dreamy-then-rocky-then-who-knows relationship.
At this point, though, after three bad-to-dreadful movies and an exciting one (that’d be “Eclipse”), it’s hard to believe the conclusion to the world’s dreariest love triangle will avoid unintentional laughs. And it’s particularly challenging to avoid chuckling at the notion of individual pieces of a poster unveiled one at a time. Although in the third piece Bella, embracing Edward, kind of looks like Edward’s sister Alice (if she had long hair like the actress who plays her, Ashley Greene), which would be a twist I did not see coming.
The media frequently indulge in teases. I do it whenever I have bits of an interview to post in advance of a full story that won’t run for weeks. TV news does it every day, noting that a household item could kill you but insisting you tune in at 10 p.m. to find out which one. (Answer: Your steak knife.)
Still, we’ve officially gotten to the point where breaking down news into the tiniest possible pieces has become a strained effort to generate anticipation for absolutely everything. The release of the final poster, in which Edward, Bella, Jacob and supporting characters whose names I’ve forgotten run in the snow, generates the same reaction inspired by the movies overall: a shrug.
I’m in favor of finding new ways to capture an audience, but soon casting news will not be delivered in the form of an official statement or a photo of a person in costume but a DNA sample taken from one strand of hair, forcing us to cross-reference lab work/blood types/genetic history of Hollywood’s biggest names.
If you think there aren’t passionate fans out there who’d put in that time and effort, thousands of Twi-hards around the world are already primed with their laptops and iPads, ready to prove you wrong.
Watch Matt on “You & Me This Morning,” Friday at 6:55 a.m. on WCIU, the U
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page.
Copyright © 2015, RedEye