Starting this week, I will be engaging Chicago's #1 White Sox fan SOXMAN in a war of words as we go up against each other in our fantasy football league. Yes, Chicago's King of Geeks (thanks for the moniker Laurence Holmes!) is also a die-hard Cubs fan, so this is kind of like Luke Skywalker going up against a rather smelly Tusken Raider who's been riding a bantha all day under the hot twin-suns of Tatooine. I mean, have you ever stood next to Soxman during a game? Whew!
Anyway, the first week of the season left me with very little to crow about. In fact, it was pretty dismal. So for today - and today ONLY - I'll let my arch-rival get in all the best shots...and have the last word:
FANTASY FOOTBALL WARS: REVENGE OF THE SOX - By Soxman
From the shadows of fantasy football mediocrity, a champion rises. Dispelling the myth that geeks know nothing about sports it was time to give Gotham the hero they need and for everyone else, there was Elliott Serrano.
Yes it’s true, I rose to the occasion while my arch nemesis Elliott Serrano? Let’s just say if wins were “performance,” you had erectile dysfunction this week buddy.
The sad part is that the moons of Endor were all aligned for you to have a huge opening week of fantasy:
- In a league with a TD heavy scoring system, you had Drew Brees in your line-up.
- You brought a date (that wasn’t paid for, adopted from an animal rescue, or of the blow-up variety) to our annual league kick-off party. She was good looking too!
- You also had top-tier wide receivers starting, as well as the 49ers special teams and defense.
Instead you pretty much fall flat on your face, going 0-3 and mustering a mere 28 points. You likely were also shut out on that date too.
So why the epic fail by my nemesis? Let’s examine:
- You wore a Cubs jersey to watch a Bears game with SOXMAN. You have heard of the Cubbie curse right my friend?
- Your date left after the first quarter of the game. Hint: talking about all of your fantasy football apps and super hero parody porn are not stimulating first date conversation.
- Your mind was likely in the gutter when you drafted your team. Case and point? You drafted one Bush (Bears RB Michael Bush) and two Johnsons (Houston WR Andre Johnson and Detroit WR Calvin Johnson). No wonder the date left early.
- Brees only scored twice, which despite being twice as much as you likely scored that night, wasn’t enough to win.
Joking aside, it’s only week one. Your two best players were kept out of the end zone and week one always sees a TON of strange things. Guys scored touchdowns who I never heard of and several players who went undrafted had epic nights. Eddie Royal with two TDs? RIGHT.
Me on the other hand? Yes I managed to go 2-1 this week, but I’m not going to goat - ahem - I’m sorry gloat at my Cub fan friend. I got very lucky. I’m hoping Arian Foster improves (90 yards total offense but no TDs), or we might just end up going to the fantasy football Cialis clinic together.
If Foster gets healthy though, look out. With Ray Rice and Foster in my starting line-up (yes nerds of the world, I’ve got them BOTH), I’m primed to be a tough one to beat.
My QB slot (Russell Wilson) could be better, but I think he will be better, just wait.
Speaking of Quarterbacks, Serrano, I will not trade you Brandon Marshall for Phillip Rivers. Quit trying to sell me on his 4 TD performance. He’s too much like you. He starts fast and then disappears when it counts.
As fun as thrashing your performance is, there is a storm coming Mr. Wayne (how many people just pictured Elliott in a Catwoman outfit?).
We have bigger villains to fry. Two teams completely dominated. Peyton Manning looked a lot like Ultron in week one, and yes Redeye.com editor Brian Moore’s team also scored big. I’d rather have no arms in the zombie apocalypse then listen to him brag all season, so we just might have to put aside our differences and band together to win.
Until next time…Stay Soxy Geek To Me readers.
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