Elliott Serrano, for Redeye
October 2, 2013
The hottest rivalry since "Rowdy" Roddy Piper versus "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka is heating up! The Comix Warriors, fantasy football team of Chicago's King of Geeks (as christened by Laurence Holmes of NBC5 and 670 The Score) was more devastating than the Death Star's prime weapon. Meanwhile, Chicago's Top White Sox fan - the mysterious Soxman - found his team to be as ineffective as a snow speeder's blasters against AT-AT armor.
What? Too many Star Wars references? I lost you?
Well, Soxman and I are here to discuss our fantasy football fortunes, talk trash and look towards the coming weekend:
Soxman: So...uh... did you hear that Miley Cyrus might be pregnant? I didn’t know that self-twerking could lead to pregnancy. When I was a kid I was told that sort of thing caused blindness.
What did you think of the Breaking Bad Series finale, Elliott? How is the Jedi training coming? How about that government shutdown? What are your opinions there?
Elliott: Miley is preggos? That’s news to me. I thought she broke up with that dude she was seeing? At least that’s what I gathered when I glanced briefly at the cover of a tabloid magazine I saw at Target as I headed for the Star Wars section of the toy department.
Breaking Bad’s finale was one of the best series finales I’ve ever seen. It totally outdid the final eps of The Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica and LOST. The finale to LOST infuriated me, actually. Did you notice how the death of one of the main characters in Breaking Bad was similar to the death of Jack Shephard in LOST?
My Jedi Training is going well. I’m doing this program called Procycle12 that was created by Joey Thurman and Marcus Warren, my personal “Geek Fit” trainers. These guys are great! Joey is a total nerd when it comes to nutrition and Marcus - true story - wanted to be Batman when he was a kid, so that’s what got him into weight training. I-
WAIT A MINUTE! YOU’RE DISTRACTING ME FROM WHAT HAPPENED THIS PAST WEEKEND! DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET OFF THE HOOK THAT EASY!
Soxman: :::big swallow::: Well…uh…If you prefer we can do our readers a service and discuss these more pressing issues instead of fantasy football this week. Country first right?
Elliott: Uh-uh! Last week you were crowing like a rooster, but now I think you’ve got to eat some crow. Are you gonna tell how you fared or do I have to tell the sordid tale?
Soxman: Ok fine, I admit it. The only thing worse than the government shutdown (and perhaps the series premier of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) was my team’s performance.
There. I admit it Elliott! I was beat worse this week than when Hulk “smashed” Loki at the end of the Avengers.
Sure I made some very dumb decisions to beat myself (raise the Three Stooges music)...
...choosing to bench Arian Foster in favor of MJD (thanks for the winning advice CBS Sports fantasy gurus), My kicking woes continue too (did I say thank you CBS Sports fantasy gurus for the GREAT advice yet?) Despite the rankings, Seattle’s Steven Hauschka was the man and Caleb Sturgis just didn’t get the opportunities. He did a good job kicking some balls though (like the ones of Soxman…right into the loss column).
In the end it honestly came down to quarterbacks. I got shut out there worse than you did by WWE Diva AJ Lee at Wizard World this year :::Soxman hands Elliott a tissue:::. Michael Vick and Russell Wilson both did nothing. The big ZERO!
Elliott: It takes a big man to admit when they’ve messed up. So how were you able to? (rimshot)
I went into the weekend with a 5-4 record and tied for the lead in my division. After Sunday’s games were played, I had outscored 2 of the 3 opposing teams I had played, and went into the last game - against my division leader no less - down by 11 points. I was cursing myself for not playing Phillip Rivers again, since he was on my bench with 27 points which would have given me a weekend sweep.
Well, Saints be praised - literally - as Drew Brees had a huge Monday night game and scored 32 points to vault me into the division lead!
And, oddly enough, tying you with an 8-4 record. Although after dropping from 8-1 to 8-4, and 2nd place in your division…that’s gotta bum you out more than a White Sox hitting coach who just got his walking papers.
(Heh. Get it? “Walking papers”. CUZ THE WHITE SOX NEVER WALK.)
I crack myself up.
Soxman: Yeah, and nobody else. So as we head into week five, we both have the same record at 8-4. But how does it feel to love the Chicago Bears yet know that Drew Brees is your fantasy quarterback? Feel like a traitor? A turncoat? A SOX FAN EVEN MISTER CUBS FAN?
And - ok and young kiddies should stop reading now - I really think Sigmund Freud would have a field day with your - hmmm how do we say - player obsessions by name alone!
As we said in week one, your “roster” consists of one Bush (Michael) and two Johnsons (Calvin and Andre). And now you add a guy named Woodhead? Really?
As part of your Jedi training you have been most fixated on building a light saber right? :::Soxman scribbles notes onto a pad::: To all of Elliott’s ex-girlfriends, let’s just say: I UNDERSTAND.
Elliott: Yeah, yeah. Well after seeing how Wes Welker has been playing in Denver, I thought I’d take a stab at another former Patriot in Danny Woodhead. Who I believe YOU dropped? And then used the empty roster slot to pick up fantasy bust MJD? I told you he was the bust of the year! Why didn’t you listen to me?
And I’m sorry, but Michael Vick is done, finished, put a fork in him already. And if you need a new quarterback, I do have a certain Chargers QB who is in the midst of a major comeback, just sitting on my bench. Considering how a lot of other fantasy QBs seem to be struggling, I would jump on it before the asking price gets too high.
I say a date with Sox Girl is a fair trade, don’t you think?
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