Anna Pulley, @annapulley
RedEye's sex columnist
1:53 PM CDT, May 9, 2012
My question is about online dating. I'm a straight male who finds himself way more attracted to bi or gay females than straight women. This applies to sexual attraction, but even more so with emotional attraction. Speaking in blanket terms, straight women sometimes seem too prudish or conservative for my liking. And there's just something extremely attractive about a strong, self-sufficient, maybe tomboyish, gay female that really does it for me. So on to my question. Is it wrong for me to message females on OkCupid that have their orientation set to gay if my intentions are romantic? I don't want to be disrespectful or out of line, but I tend to be way more into the gay female profiles on OkCupid compared to the straight ones. And wasn't there some recent studies that came out proving that female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality? Thanks for your help!
—Not into straight chicks
I'm glad you asked. If science is doing anything relevant, it should be helping you with your boner. There have been lots of studies surrounding the absolute f**kery that is female sexuality. One such study from 2008 by Dr. Meredith Chivers, detailed in the New York Times, found that straight women showed signs of physical arousal when shown images of just about everything -- masturbation, straight sex, girl-on-girl action, guy-on-guy action, and even footage of bonobo chimps mating. What didn't turn them on, you ask? Pictures of naked men. Riddle me that, Het-Man!
So yes, women, for many cultural and perplexing reasons that can only somewhat be blamed on Katy Perry and "Girls Gone Wild," can be inclined toward sexual fluidity more so than menfolk. But, regardless of all studies from official-sounding scientific journals, I fail to see how it will do much to convince women to, uh, trade their petri dishes for test tubes, if they're not already so inclined.
I know what you mean though. Ghey ladeez are really in this season. Give me a faux hawk and some striped suspenders any day, mmm-hmm. While I appreciate your sincerity, and the fact that you don't seem like you have wildly fetishistic intentions, the answer still is "no." No, you may not message gay girls on OkCupid. You may, however, message bisexuals to your heart's content, as long as they've checked the "seeking men and women who like bi girls" box.
Think of it this way. How would you feel if gay men pursued you online despite identifying as straight? It wastes everyone's time, it's disrespectful, and queer girls get hit on enough by straight dudes in real life. It's bad enough that you've ruined the Craigslist Casual Encounters section for us! It's doubly intrusive when it happens online, a space where we are supposed to have more control over who approaches us and vice versa. This is also, sadly, part of the reason OkCupid recently gave gays the option of hiding their profiles from self-identified straight users.
If a queer gal wants to get her mack on with a dude, then that's her prerogative and she will make that clear, but it's rude and annoying to assume otherwise when she's clearly checked the "gay" box. Of course, there are plenty of cases where formerly identified lezzies will start dating dudes again, aka hasbiens. But you're far more likely to meet them offline than on.
In the meantime, might I suggest a hipster? They look like lesbians and can be found in many urban locales, including but not limited to: Anarcho-Feminist zine parties, naked bike rides, Sultan's, and the TGIFriday's in the airport.
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