Anna Pulley, @annapulley
RedEye's sex columnist
12:04 PM CST, November 7, 2012
I started dating a guy about a month ago. I really like him and am interested in seeing where it goes, except for one thing: He's a 36-year-old virgin who's waiting until marriage to have sex. I've been sexually active for well over a decade, and I feel like this is too big of a difference to overcome. Plus, if we do become serious, I'm not willing to wait until marriage to find out if we're sexually compatible. Do I dump him or give it some time? Or try to convince him that waiting isn't necessarily the best idea?
—Not Like a Virgin
Dump him. Oh, you want more? Dump him, please. Yesterday.
Considering that he's made it to 36 without being swayed by the awesomeness that is sexual intercourse, I don't think trying to convince him otherwise at this point is a viable life strategy for you. I would rather you spend your energy doing about a 100,000 other things instead of that. Things like reading "Harry Potter" in Latin, learning how to ice fish, or naming all your shoes after Disney characters based on size, color and personality. (All of mine would be Pocahontas.)
Unless he's one of those "religious loophole" types that can engage in other kinds of sexual acts as long as it doesn't involve P in the V, odds are slim that this is an issue you can overcome through willpower or persuasive PowerPoint slides. Even if that was the case and you were allowed an occasional handful of croutons from the sexual buffet, I still wouldn't recommend you tolerate a quasi-sexless existence for years on the off-chance that marriage would be the magical solution to all that not-exactly-agreed-upon celibacy.
It's hard enough to find people with whom we're compatible and who also reciprocate those feelings without having to factor in the added (and dare I say unnecessary) complication of wildly opposing sexual agendas, which is a non-negotiable for many people, and judging from your question, it seems to be for you as well. As you put it, it's likely "too big of a difference to overcome."
You're just getting to know him so most of what you see is potential, and that's not a bad thing, but when it comes to one's fundamental beliefs, you're starting with a pretty big handicap if you continue to date him. Soon emotions are going to get involved, one thing will lead to another, and before you know you're a partial owner of a lesbian co-op in Skokie AND you're not getting laid. Nobody wants that, least of all your vagina. So get out now before that happens. Don't compromise the beliefs you feel intrinsically for someone who might never change, and above all, never, ever settle for anything less than the routine banging you so clearly deserve.Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to firstname.lastname@example.org. Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating.
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