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Quick 'n' dirty sex advice: Fall edition

Anna Pulley, @annapulley

RedEye's sex columnist

10:00 AM CDT, September 18, 2013

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Welcome to fall, hot stuffs! It’s that time again, time for pumpkin spice lattes, the appearance of excessively early Christmas decorations and another round of quick ‘n’ dirty sex advice, because though the days may be long, our attention spans are short. Let’s hit it and quit it (but not before sharing it with all your friends, please. I work very hard!). Also today is my birthday, so let’s all drink an internet beer together later.

How do I stop myself from feeling so weird/different so as to retract the invisible shield repelling the opposite sex?
By recognizing that we all feel weird and different and that your weirdness and difference is what makes you awesome. That, and the invisible shield is pretty great, too.

I’m a lesbian, but when I fantasize, it’s always about men. Sometimes they are gay men, but sometimes they aren’t. What’s going on here? Do I have penis envy?
More like penis cravey! I’m kidding. It’s tempting to come to all kinds of conclusions about what our fantasies mean. For instance, one time, Steve Buscemi and I ... (that’s all you need to know). But sometimes what gets you off in your head has no bearing on what gets you off in real life. Unless it’s causing you irreparable emotional harm, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Enjoy the ride. On the penis. In your mind.

I’m a straight guy who hooked up with another guy for the first time while very high at a party. It was awesome, but now I’m freaking out. Do I have to tell people? Is my straight cred diminished?

You did a gay thing, yes, but I wouldn’t take out a billboard ad or anything. Your straight cred has a minor ding in it, but don’t worry, it’s covered by most insurance companies. And congrats! You had an awesome hookup with a dude. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that. Unless you want it to. Have fun, be safe. Send me the video footage ... so I can pass it along to the woman in Question 2, of course.

I recently learned about the existence of cuddle parties. I’m intrigued but scared. Your thoughts?
I would never pay money to be hugged by strange people, personally. But if you’re intrigued, hell, have at it. There’s a party next week.

Is bisexuality dead?
The word, maybe. “Queer” is what the kids are calling it these days. Bisexuals have always and will always exist, however. We are just more picky about how we identify than we are about who we’ll get naked with, is all. It’s also known as: heteroflexible, pansexual, straight-ish, gay-for-pay, non-labeled, and, for the next 15 minutes, Miley Cyrus. Adjust accordingly.

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