Quick and dirty sex advice: Winter edition

Happy holidays

Happy holidays (December 19, 2013)

Bisexual phases, cuddling compromise, and holiday hookups with an ex

Hello, hot stuffs! I didn’t see you there through the ski mask and poofy down material covering 98 percent of your body. That must mean it’s officially winter in Chicago, but don’t worry, we’re turning up the heat for you in this edition of quick ‘n’ dirty sex advice (past quickies can be read here). Now pour yourself some Glogg, turn up your SAD lamp and settle in.

I’m a 45-year-old woman who recently realized my feelings toward women may not be entirely platonic. Am I too old to go through a bisexual phase?

Hellz no. Unlike shorteralls or Bud Light Lime, lovin’ ladies never goes out of style. Get on that and they’ll get on you.

Short version: My girlfriend likes to cuddle a lot. I need space in order to sleep. How can I get it without hurting her feelings?

Wait, wasn’t this a “Friends” episode? You’ll just have to wait until the show comes on late-night TV to find the answer. Or! Cuddle compromise. Allow your girlfriend a cuddling grace period before you turn over and ignore her. If you’ve given her a proper orgasm, she should be asleep before you know it and you can go about dreaming of Sears in peace.

How do I weather the awkward and inevitable: “So when are you two getting married?”

“As soon as I get the Facebook notification.”

My boyfriend and I have sex regularly and I go down on him a lot. But, he doesn’t return the favor. Once he was down there for about 20 seconds, but that’s it. How do I talk him into being more giving?

Well, you could get all sexy-stalemate on him and stop giving him blow jobs until he straightens up and flies south. But, the withholding option gives me the sads too. Tell him what your needs are--they are pretty routine, after all. It’s not like you’re asking him to get calf implants or install a robo-sex jacuzzi in your bedroom. If he refuses to compromise, then send him to the North Pole without a glowing-nosed caribou to guide him.

My awful six-month relationship ended last month, and the woman in question has been emailing and calling me, asking to remain friends. I can’t see us being friends right now, but is a holiday hookup out of the question?

No, but I’d advise you to seek other, less awful and more emotionally distant booty calls. It hasn’t been that long, you don’t want to be friends, and your grief is fresh. Pick a different ex, or a concerned yet flirtatious friend. It’s like I always say: “A friend in need is a friend in me.” Happy ho-lidays!

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