We've always appreciated that "Naked Gun" joke, where Leslie Nielsen says he likes his sex like he likes his basketball: "One-on-one and with as little dribbling as possible." With the 2012 Summer Olympics kicking off Friday, this got us thinking about the undeniable allure and power of the physical body in top form. Despite the Olympic Village mayor Sir Charles Allen's recent remarksthat winning is more important than sex, we at RedEye happen to believe that the real feat of stunning humanity is not, in fact, shot putting or judo, but gettin' it on. With this in mind, we've come up with the top five Olympic sports that could also be sex positions.
We'll admit we hadn't heard of this particular water sport that calls for "speed, control and precision," although we often adhere to the adage "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean." In this case it's both literal and metaphorical!
Similar to: Shower sex, which we, frankly, never mastered. Like shower sex, the canoe slalom requires great upper body strength.
OK, this one's pretty much low-hanging fruit, but we admire rhythmic gymnastics for a few reasons. It's one of two female-only sports in the Games, and it requires skills in both gymnastics AND dance. Plus, this is the event where we see the most people crying.
Similar to: The Lawnmower (in which one person holds the other person's legs wheelbarrow-style). Getting nailed in this pose is difficult enough, but nailing the dismount is even harder.
Like sex, table tennis is at times a little silly, but it's always fun (especially to watch!). Sometimes people "get served," and its players (or playas, if you will) "need lightning reactions, incredible agility, and high levels of fitness" in order to be triumphant.
Similar to: Light BDSM play, due to the whacking of balls with paddles.
Athletes are encouraged to go deep in this aquatic sport that harkens back to the 18th Century. At its best, diving is an impressive, mid-air tumbling spectacle. At its worst, it's a flop, just like sex.
Similar to: Cunnilingus. They don't call it muff-diving for nothing! Despite all the murky waters we've waded in, it's still one of our favorite pastimes. Bonus points for divers who make as little splash as possible. No one likes a wet spot.
This sporting event sounds like something out of a really elaborate game of Truth or Dare, which makes sense because the sport originates from a 19th-Century French legend. It involves horseback riding, swimming, shooting, running and fencing.
Similar to: A marathon sex session involving a good long ride (we suggest "reverse cowgirl"), bondage, oral, role playing and something involving a strap-on. On guard!
Anna normally answers your weekly questions about love, sex or dating, but couldn't miss out on taking advantage of Olympic puns. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question? Email your quandary to email@example.com. Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating. Pick dates, not people.