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Wise to share bedroom desires on your online dating profile?

Anna Pulley, @annapulley

RedEye's sex columnist

3:57 PM CST, January 11, 2012

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I broke up with my long-term boyfriend recently, and am thinking about re-activating my OkCupid account soon. One thing I discovered in my last relationship is that I'm interested in exploring kinkier sex, as long as it's with someone I trust. My question is: How can I convey this on my profile? I feel like if I say it outright, I might attract a lot more skeezy guys or get explicit messages that I don't want. Should I mention it at all, or save the kink talk for when I meet men in person?

--Tongue-Tied


Talking about your kinks in a public arena does tend to make people assume things about you. Sometimes it's positive: "She's so comfortable with her sexuality!" And other times, not so much: "She's a nympho/weird/tacky!" As someone who writes about sex a lot, I've had my fair share of tasteless or downright bizarre messages from strangers who thought I'd like to be suspended from a crane or be their Mistress without so much as a "Hello" to buffer their requests. For instance, here are a few examples of OkCupid messages I've received. Sics all over these, of course.

"cunillingus will be performed at 12 midnight for all participating goddesses == performed exactly as she demanded by any of three hooded and masked people she chooses (don't worry this is just big mind pschizophrenia) but to a more serious and light filled side now that I have demanded your attention did you know how sacred cunnilingus is, how revered and how imprtant it is to the survival of our evolving race…? Here is some historical facts..." [Ed. note: This is where he proceeded to completely plagiarize the Wikipedia entry on cunnilingus, despite not knowing how to spell it.]

"come down to pint, in wicker park, between 11 and 6, thursday through monday, and order whatever's on special. do not identify yourself to anyone. eat quietly, leave, and never make any mention of it to me. it's a bit of a fetish for me. love, nick"

"I love telling erotic stories to make women climax in their panties and no this is NOT cybersex because erotica involves romance where cybersex only involves a man climaxing and leaving without satisfying the woman. Would you like to hear one sometime?"

Now that we're all unbelievably turned on, let me say this: If it's really important to you, then by all means, it should be in your profile. I would, however, refrain from explicit descriptions of your kinks, and I would also mention that last bit, "as long as it's with someone I trust," which will hopefully curb the amount of unwanted, no-strings-attached hookup messages you get. If you find that subtlety isn't yielding the desired results, or if you're looking for something really specific, then get a FetLife account, which exists for just this purpose. Yay, Internet!

Since the ultimate goal of dating is to wind up with someone you're compatible with, it makes sense that you'd want to be as upfront as possible in regards to your likes, wants and desires. But there's a time and a place for everything. Just as you would (hopefully) never discuss a bowel movement at the dinner table, detailed kink negotiations are better housed in the private realm (no pun intended, for once), whether that's a one-on-one message or an in-person meeting. Know also that even though mentioning sexual preferences might send more "skeezy guys" your way, it doesn't mean you have to actually interact with them. And hey, maybe all these weird messages will lead to the creation of a hilarious Tumblr. Yay, Internet!

Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com. 


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