Anna Pulley, @annapulley
RedEye's sex columnist
2:59 PM CDT, September 8, 2011
Contrary to popular practice, my boyfriend is significantly more interesting in bed when he's drunk-ish than when he's not. He's less passive, a little rougher, and more, like, SEXY. How do I tell him to f**k me like he's drunk?
~ Boyfriend Is Beastly When Drunk
When making requests in bed, there's something to be said for taking a direct approach, much like your last sentence. It's candid, succinct and even involves a touch of profanity, which we all know is one of the major trappings of hotness, otherwise dirty talk would sound more like a Bronte novel: "Beg pardon, madam. It would give me great pleasure to wuther your heights."
What great tipsy sex ultimately boils down to is inhibition—or lack thereof. Booze happens to do a terrific job of reducing, if not eliminating, inhibitions entirely. Discounting the cast of "Jackass," most of us can't readily and easily shed our inhibitions, since we take all of our hang-ups and insecurities with us into the sack, like a clown car stuffed full of sad. But our hang-ups don't have to ruin everything. Nor do our desires have to be dependent on yo-ho-hos and bottles of rum.
Remember Newton's law? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction? I bet you didn't know this relates to your sex life, but it does! You want him to push a few boundaries? Then push back yourself. Playful fighting, resisting, provoking, teasing—these are some of the easiest ways to encourage more dominant behavior. If you want someone to take control, sometimes you have to subtly do it yourself. Withholding from your partner for a while also builds the tension and anticipation until he's forced to act.
Work on building his confidence. When he does something—even if it's small—that you enjoy, offer him verbal and physical encouragement. This will help him get out of his head. Thinking too much about the act at hand has wreaked more havoc on the conjugal bed than all seasons of "Roseanne" combined.
Also, some men—bless their hearts—were taught to respect women. I know! It's like they've never watched an episode of "Mad Men." This can often lead to politeness, timidity and genteel bedroom behaviors, which can be difficult to unlearn, even if their girlfriend asks them to stop treating their body like a temple, and more like a slutty monk. Such re-training can take time. And better metaphors, probably. Be as direct as you can during sex, and be sure to allude to your needs outside of the bedroom too. You don't have to make him watch all of James Spader's movies or anything, but do reference sexual things you like as you communicate with him throughout your day. And obviously tell him how hot it is on those tipsy occasions when he IS being more aggressive. Positive reinforcement, it's not just for Tyra Banks' teachable moments.
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