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The key to talking dirty during sex

My boyfriend and I are having sex. It's great sex. But lately he has wanted me to beg before he enters me. I don't know what to say. I try and try to come up with something he'd like. I beg by saying "master" but he doesn't want me to use master. He said it's a turn off. What should I say?—Clueless

What do you want, a script? Erotic dialogue costs extra, my friend. The advice part, however, is free. And as you no doubt know, beggars can't be choosers. Although, maybe you don't know that since you're asking me how to beg.

When it comes to dirty talk, simplicity is key. You're not crafting a novella, after all; you're merely setting the mood. In this case, the mood you're trying to set is one of submission. Throwing a "Good Sir, I prostrate myself before your grandiloquence" into sex tends to merely confuse people. (Hence, it would behoove you to never use flowery language like "behoove.") Stick to a few basic words. "Please" is classic, to the point, and very difficult to misinterpret.

If you really feel you're lacking in the dialogue department, MANY resources exist to aid you on your journey from Bashful Beginner to Pervy Proselytizer. One such "resource" is (and these are NSFW, of course) the Dirty Slang Dictionary, which is kind of wildly offensive to women (and dragons), but was created by someone named Mr. Doody, so I guess we should've seen that coming? is another website aimed at increasing your carnal word knowledge. In addition to the usual, this site has a vast selection of food-related sex vocab, such as "stirring the macaroni," "cuffing the carrot," and "floating on an air biscuit." It even comes with lewd animated gifs, which are like the endangered bald eagles of the art world, and thus demand our respect. It also describes sex acts involving Communist leaders. Basically, be prepared to lose several hours of your life here.

If you want to be an overachiever, you can buy books on the topic, like "Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You on," or "Sultry Sex Talk To Seduce Any Lover," which is a mouthful of the non-erotic variety. The subtitle is: "Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure." I hope these suggestions are helpful, because searching for them has ruined my Amazon book recommendations forever.

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