Anna Pulley, @annapulley
RedEye's sex columnist
10:05 AM CST, November 20, 2013
Hi Anna. I have trouble orgasming when I’m with my boyfriend. When I’m alone I can get myself off without any problems. I thought it might help if we used a vibrator in bed, but when I brought it up, he got all weird and defensive. Is he insecure about a toy being better/more efficient than he is? I don’t really understand and it’s frustrating. How can I talk him into at least trying it?--Not Toying Around
I can’t say that I blame him, Toying. I don’t know how many times I’ve lost girlfriends and lovers to a vibrating cock ring. All my wining, dining and being a sentient lifeform just couldn’t compete with 2 inches of rubber and a watch battery.
I think your boyfriend’s acting like a tool, but I’ll assume he has good qualities that you just didn’t mention: Perhaps he watched the Katy Perry documentary with you and didn’t complain once or knows how to immediately reach the operator when calling Comcast.
If he’s swayed by science, you could point him to this study, which showed that women who use vibrators benefit from more arousal, lubrication, sexual satisfaction and orgasms, and experience less pain during sex. In short, good vibes for you = more sex for him.
You might also suggest going to the sex toy store together and letting him pick out something that doesn’t make him feel defensive. He might have it in his head that all toys look and sound like alien lawn mower bludgeons. Sharing the bed with a motorized vacuum attachment or Hitachi Magic Wand can be an unwieldy task, especially for the uninitiated (though there’s a reason it has “magic” in the name, and it is because of the vanishing coin tricks!). But there’s no need to bring the Hubble telescope into bed. There are plenty of smaller, less intimidating toys out there, like bullets, “love” rings and those finger massager things that turn your digits into vibrators. Such toys certainly don’t replace p-in-the-v sex, they simply enhance what’s already there with a little technology and a lot of awesome. Like Robocop. Doesn’t your boyfriend want to be Robocop? You could also promise not to use the toy(s) you get unless he’s around, so he won’t feel “replaced.”
Alternately, you could tell him that his hand makes you feel weird and defensive and you’d appreciate he not use it to pleasure himself unless you are there and directly involved. Because that’s how silly he sounds.
Liking one thing in bed doesn’t diminish one’s enjoyment of other sexual acts. At the end of the day, it boils down to this: Does your partner want you to experience more arousal and orgasms and happiness? If so, then he should be willing to silicompromise.
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