Entertainment Dating
Entertainment Entertainment Dating

Advice: How to stop a serial texter

There's a girl I started seeing a few weeks ago and so far, so good—except for one small thing: She texts me all the time. At first it was cute, but now I find it's interrupting my daily flow and work. I should also say that I rarely text, except to make plans or in emergencies. What's the etiquette here? How do I tell her to calm down without coming off as a jerk? — Texting Neophyte

Dear Neo,
Calm down, Sandra! Take a Xanax and chillax with the texts! (Alliteration helps soothe manic texters, I've found).

Let's start with the obvious: Have you told her you're not into texting? Because you can totally do that. It's not rude; it's your prerogative.

There's even a song about it, so you know it's true. The next time you see your new ladyfriend, be clear about your preferences. "Hey Sandra [I don't know why I want her to be named Sandra]. You may have noticed I haven't responded to some of your texts. [Insert pause for her to shed a tear or two at your inconsiderateness] I wanted to let you know that it's not personal and I'm not ignoring you. I'm just not a big texter, except to make plans or in emergencies, even though that's weird. ["Your house burned down. Didn't you get my text?"]. Let's grab a mulled wine at the Christkindlmarket and talk like two sentient beings without the impediment of a glowing blue screen, shall we?"

You can even say it "interrupts your flow and work." Most people understand that modern life involves a hundred thousand distractions at any given moment and will respect your wish for a few hours of emoji-free time. She will probably still be a little miffed because she's into you and wanted to convey textually that she was thinking about you, which is sweet, but come on, Sandra, some of us have to work.

You also don't have to respond to every text, or even keep your phone where you can see or hear it pinging. Most employers don't want you texting during work hours, so you can fall back on that as an excuse if need be, but if you're clear about your limited texting habits, hopefully she'll follow suit. Other excuses that may work if you're too cowardly to come out and ask her to cease and desist:

  • I got distracted watching the Chicago Gay Hockey Association performing Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" for the past 96 hours and have no intention of stopping.
  • I have a genetic disorder that causes me to time-travel unpredictably, like that Audrey Whatshername book, "The Time-Traveler's Wife." Being both from the future and the past makes it hard to text you back, you know? Each time I try, it's like, ziiiip, now it's 1892 and I'm holding a piece of tree bark and Grover Cleveland is asking me to help trim his mustache.
  • I'm not actually your boyfriend. I'm just a poofy coat hanging on the door of your closet that looks man-shaped when far away. Hence, I have no thumbs with which to communicate, let alone language, a phone, free will or the desire to validate how delicious your lunch looked in the pic you sent.

<br /><br /><em><strong>Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to <a href="mailto:redeyedating@gmail.com">redeyedating@gmail.com.&nbsp; </a></strong></em> <em><em><strong>Need to give your dating life a boost? <a href="http://dating.redeyechicago.com/?utm_source=redeye_content">Sign up for RedEye Dating</a>.</strong></em></em><br /><br /> <strong><big>Want more? Discuss this article and others on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/theredeye" target="_blank">RedEye's Facebook page</a>.&nbsp;</big></strong>

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Advice: Can I lovingly choke you?

    Advice: Can I lovingly choke you?

    I’m relatively new to BDSM and I just started a sexual relationship with a nice vanilla-in-bed bisexual girl who knows I'm leaving Chicago soon. As we were talking about what we like in bed, she offered to sub for me, but I had no idea how to get things moving. I came very close to blurting out...

  • Yep, I took my dad to Lollapalooza

    I suppose I should be old enough to know by now that something doesn't become un-cool just because your parent is there.

  • Lollapalooza style portraits

    Lollapalooza style portraits

    Concertgoers pose at the three-day fest in Grant Park.

  • Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 2: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    And just like that, there’s only one day left of Lolla. Here’s what stood out to us from day 2. Best: The Tallest Man on Earth: Maybe it was just a right-mood, right-set situation, but boy this was the perfect mid-day act to take a breather, sit in the sun, and just chill and listen to and enjoy....

  • 50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    50 Cent at Parliament and Wyclef Jean at The Underground

    Shots in The Dark at Parliament Nightclub with 50 Cent and The Underground Nightclub with Wyclef Jean and Joey Fatone July 31st

  • Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    Lolla day 1: Best and worst, plus superlatives

    One day down! Here’s the best and worst we saw at Lolla on Friday, plus a few superlatives from day 1. Best: Anyone who knows me knows I was bound to pick Paul McCartney as my favorite act of the day. The Beatle came out and gave it his all with more than two hours of hits, tributes and jokes about...

Comments
Loading
70°