Entertainment Entertainment Dating

3 steps to feeling sexy, confident in the bedroom and beyond

I used to have no problem with feeling sexy and comfortable in my body and with my sexuality. But after a recent weight gain, I started to be self-conscious and unable to get into the "Sexy and I Know It" mindset. I lost the weight, and I still can't seem to get back my confidence. My husband will compliment me, but I'll still find something wrong. I'm 24, so I don't know if this is just a phase. The only method that seems to get me in that uninhibited mindset is to have a drink. How do I tap into my dirty side and let out my inner bad girl freak without feeling uncomfortable/stupid?

--Lost My Mojo

It's funny that you mention the song "Sexy and I Know It" because nothing gets my mojo going quite like LMFAO wearing animal-print Speedos saying "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah." Now that I'm too turned on to write, I'll say that losing self-confidence is always temporary. If it weren't, how could J. Lo keep staging comebacks? So, you don't have to worry about your confidence never coming back. It will.

The thing about body image is that it's an asshole. You could be working out constantly and eating nothing but aerated carrot bubbles, which I wouldn't recommend, and still feel self-conscious about how you look. I do two hours of yoga six days a week, and I still can't go outside in a bikini without a huge Eve Ensler-esque pep talk. In other words, it's great that you've lost some weight, but what you have to do to now is work out your mind. Here are some suggestions for doing so.

Take action

As I mentioned in a previous column:

"There have been recent studies that showed when people took on the role of a powerful or attractive avatar in a video game for 90 seconds, their confidence levels were boosted for the entire day, and they were more likely to flirt with other people they were hot for. The takeaway is not that we should all be playing more video games, but that doing things that make us feel confident have a lasting effect on our confidence in general."

Basically, if you're having insecurity issues, do something that you're good at: go for a run, dance to Britney Spears' "Stronger," or write a dirty limerick. Doing things that make us feel capable have a far more lasting effect than we think.

Tell your Inner Asshole to STFU

We all have that voice in our heads that criticizes, tells us we're unworthy or not nearly as competent at Scrabble as our local barista. This isn't to say we're without flaws, of course, but it's easy to lose confidence if our Inner Asshole is running the show. Whenever that voice rears its ugly mug, I want you to counter it with something that's awesome about you. This can feel hokey at first. When I tried it, I sniggered at myself for thinking "good at puns." But then I realized that snigger was my Inner Asshole too, and promptly punched it in the face. Such positive reinforcement not only serves to slowly diminish that nagging voice, but it also proves there's more to you than how you look in a thong.

Improvise

I personally don't think it's that outlandish to have a drink or two if it makes you feel more comfortable and sexy, though I understand not wanting to rely on it. On a similar note, you shouldn't pressure yourself to be an "inner bad girl freak" every time you throw down, especially if it's not what gets you off. Concentrate more on your pleasure and less on being a no-holds-barred seductress. It also couldn't hurt to clue your husband in on your self-consciousness, if you haven't done so already. I bet he's more than willing to help you work around it (Mood-lighting? Blindfolds? Tipsy Scrabble?) until your mojo comes back, buns a'blazing. See? Good at puns.

Now go git 'em, hot stuff.

Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com. 


Need to give your dating life a boost? Sign up for RedEye Dating. Pick dates, not people.

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • STDs and sex: What you're obligated to disclose

    STDs and sex: What you're obligated to disclose

    This super dominant dude has been all into me the last couple days. He has a primary partner/girlfriend, and has been chatting me up/calling me/texting me. So we get down to the STD conversation, and turns out he won't play with me, not because I have herpes, but because one of my regular partners...

  • Wise to share bedroom desires on your online dating profile?

    Wise to share bedroom desires on your online dating profile?

    I broke up with my long-term boyfriend recently, and am thinking about re-activating my OkCupid account soon. One thing I discovered in my last relationship is that I'm interested in exploring kinkier sex, as long as it's with someone I trust. My question is: How can I convey this on my profile?...

  • If you have an affair with a married man, be prepared to hear from his wife

    If you have an affair with a married man, be prepared to hear from his wife

    So, I had a tryst with a married man. I thought better of it eventually and ended it, but his wife still found out. And recently, she wrote me an email. I don't know his wife at all. What is my responsibility here? Do I write her back? Should I stay the f**k out of it (even though clearly I'm already...

  • How to talk pubic hair with your girlfriend without getting smacked

    How to talk pubic hair with your girlfriend without getting smacked

    I adore my girlfriend. She's hot and smart and funny—the whole package. She also happens to be very petite, with a youngish face, which is all well and good, except when combined with the fact that she waxes her hoo-ha, it makes her look, well, pre-pubescent. I know it's her body, but I'm the one...

  • Advice for The 606 neighbors

    Advice for The 606 neighbors

    Strangers whooshing by in view of your living room isn't a new problem in Chicago, where the CTA’s elevated tracks can provide a view of residents' balconies, backyards or even bathrooms. Ashley Marchi just moved to one such apartment.

  • When The 606 is your neighbor

    When The 606 is your neighbor

    John Knoerle admits he’s the “designated curmudgeon” of the neighborhood, but when it comes to the Bloomingdale Trail, slated to open practically in his front yard, he thinks a little grumpiness is justified.

  • Tuesday: Eat. Drink. Do.

    Tuesday: Eat. Drink. Do.

    Boozy ice pops, $1 oysters and more things to do in Chicago on Tuesday, May 26. 

  • Why would Rebel Wilson lie about her age?

    Why would Rebel Wilson lie about her age?

    On Monday, "Pitch Perfect 2″ actress Rebel Wilson took to Twitter after what she called the "shady Australian press" claimed she was not 29, but 36. Oh, and that her name wasn't really Rebel Wilson.

Comments
Loading