Anna Pulley, @annapulley
RedEye's sex columnist
12:53 PM CST, December 15, 2012
I am confused. I am engaged to a beautiful woman and we are set to have a destination wedding this upcoming spring. We have been through thick and thin together and have stuck by each other's side for the past 7 years. About 2 weeks ago, I met a woman at a bar and the attraction and chemistry was immediate. We ended up kissing that night and we have kept in touch everyday through texts and phone calls, most of them very explicit. We want to have sex together even though she knows about my fiancé and she swears we would only do it to overcome our extreme physical attraction to each other.
I have cheated in the past without my fiancé ever finding out, the last time being about 18 months ago. After the last woman, I swore it was the last time I did that to my fiancé, but when I talk and text with this new woman, she brings out a sexual side in me that my fiancé USED to bring out in the beginning of our relationship. What should I do? I love my future wife very much, but have never felt guilt about any of the things I have done...until now. What should I do?
-Confused to the max
It sounds like you want me to give you permission to cheat on your soon-to-be wife. All the classics are there: It'll just be this one last time! We can't NOT bone each other because the attraction is like—whoa! If only sex with my fiancé was as hot as it was in the beginning!
Come on, dude. You're not 12. You know these are the most sack-less excuses for infidelity ever. Especially that last one, which not only seeks to justify your behavior, but also attempts to put the blame on your fiancé, which is total bullshit.
You're not confused. What are you gonna do? Leave your fiancé because you're drunk on a two-week sext and Oxytocin cocktail? Let me tell you something. There's always going to be some girl at the bar. You're always going to be attracted to other people. Getting married doesn't stop that. What matters is what you do about it, which, if you have some integrity, is nothing. If you and your fiancé have approached your relationship with a preconceived set of rules you don't believe in or want to follow (i.e. exclusivity), then you're going to run into this problem again and again. Pretty soon though, you won't just be a cheating asshole. You'll be a full-on adulterer. When she finds out, which she will eventually, you'll probably have kids at that point and a second mortgage that you'll have to take out to pay for the reeeeally expensive divorce attorney.
If you can't handle a life of monogamy, which is what you're signing up for, then you need to man up and admit it before you take a bunch of vows. What you're doing (and have done in the past) is inexcusable. It's hurtful and dishonest. If you can't be faithful to your partner, then you at least owe her the courtesy of telling her that before you start picking out gravy boats for your wedding registry.
I'ma be R. Kelly Real with you for a minute. I've cheated. I know all about the delicious mix of excitement and guilt and betrayal that comes with it. And I also know precisely how craptastic the fallout can be. If you can't be honest with your future wife (and she deserves to know what kind of man she's marrying) then at the VERY least, you need to cease all contact with this new girl immediately, and try your damnedest to be faithful. I know it's hard when boobs freely roam the earth, but you're an adult in a seven-year relationship that is about to be legally binding. This isn't just about you. Stop making excuses and start being a better partner.
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