Why do some women dislike oral sex?

Hi Anna,

I’m a guy who really enjoys going down on women. Not very kinky, I know. The girl I’m seeing doesn’t want me to do it. I don’t get it; it’s got to be pleasurable, right? She’s my second girl to feel that way out of many. Everyone else seems to crave this direct stimulation. Do you know what this is about? —Sent from my iPhone


Dear SFMP,

Many women like oral sex. Indeed, many women can only orgasm from oral sex. But “many women” is not All Women. All Women can’t even agree on what color the program should be for the Every Woman Alive Annual Committee Meeting and Séance. “Come for the policy, stay for the fruit bouquets and nightly hexes on our enemies!”

Your girlfriend appears to be in the “nuh uh” camp when it comes to juicin’ the goose. But don’t take it personally. If this was a situation where all your girlfriends were requesting you keep your head above the covers, it might be different. But this seems fairly case-specific. Why might that be? You’d have to ask her yourself to get to the bottom of it. But since wildly conjecturing about the lives of strangers is what they pay me for, here are a few guesses.

It might be the sensation. As one friend told me, “Personally, I feel like I need a lot more of a firm/hard sensation than a tongue and lips can offer me in order to get off.” Oral sex is a very passive activity, and this can cause some women to go into their heads, leading them to worry about if it’s taking too long, if your neck is getting sore, if she remembered to pay the cable bill, etc. It’s difficult for some women to sit back and receive pleasure (as weird as that sounds) because the rest of our lives is largely made up of moments consisting of “I’m here to please!”

She might have some body shame issues, since women are taught that we are dirty, smelly and revolting if our vaginas don’t smell like a Martha Stewart special. We also are increasingly told that our vaginas must conform to porn star aesthetics—hairless, pink, and shaped like an inconspicuous mollusk. And this is just one body part!

And some women don’t like it because they’ve had bad past experiences. As a friend put it, “Honestly, I only permit it if the person actually knows what they’re doing down there. My chacha is not the venue for amateur hour.”

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