Quick and dirty sex advice: Summer edition

Anna Pulley

Anna Pulley (Ben Pipe Photography / Getty Images/Image Source / June 24, 2014)

It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your prose and get ready for the summer edition of quick ‘n’ dirty. If you missed spring, check it out. Otherwise, sit back, grab an Otter Pop and prepare to be blown ... away. I can only do so much, people.

Should I try OkCupid? It seems like such a shitshow.

As is everything. With OkCupid at least you might get laid once in a while, which may improve your outlook. For what it’s worth, I met a handful of terrific people on OKC, and like 800 duds. But the handful made all the awkward burritos and oral sex interrogations worthwhile.

I’m a straight lady into lesbian porn. Does this make me a little gay?

I don’t know. Perhaps we should discuss this over drinks.

I kid. You’re safe. Watching a certain kind of porn doesn’t invalidate one’s sexual identity. Just ask the lesbians who watch gay male porn all the time. Unless you want to act on the fantasy, in which case, yes, you might be a little gay. Congrats! Your basket of flax seeds and neutral-toned Crocs are in the mail.

I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 15. We have two kids together and these past few years I’ve felt the need to want to explore sexually. I’ve mentioned this to him a few times stating that I need the experience, but he disagrees. So for the past couple of months I’ve been texting this guy whom I just want to have sex with, no strings attached. But I also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. I do feel we have grown apart, but I don’t want to lose him because he is all I know.

Staying with someone because he’s all you’ve ever known is not a good reason, my friend. Your situation is complex though because kids are involved. If boning this guy once would scratch your itch for good, I might allow you to make a dickception, but it probably won’t. So you can stay and be faithful and unhappy, you can cheat and hope you don’t get caught, or you can start over with someone new. All are somewhat crappy options, but as noted above, life is a shitshow.

What does it mean if someone says they think you’re “complicated?”

Is it Mystery? If so you’re probably being negged. Is it Avril Lavigne? Then you’re acting like you’re somebody else and she’s frustrated, is all. Is it a Facebook relationship status disguised as a person? If so, they are going to break up with you shortly.


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