I just turned the big 4-0 and thanks to Obamacare, had my first physical since my college athletic days. Along with that I had my first prostate exam. Wow. I never knew that a (gloved and lubed) finger up my butt could feel so good. Does that mean I’m gay? Better yet, how can I meld prostate massage into my heterosexual experiences? Can I ask my partner to do that (if I provide the glove)? —Monkey Glandular
Dear Monkey Glandular,
Wow, indeed. I didn’t realize physicals could be pleasurable, since my experiences with them have mainly involved a lube-y prodding and many forced conversations about Oprah and/or my upcoming travel plans.
But! We were talking about your butt.
Contrary to popular evangelical belief, there is no sexual activity that can “turn” you gay. Of course, anal stimulation does not make a person gay, unless you are doing so while already gay, in which case you aren’t any more gay than you already were.
Prostates have a built-in pleasure zone, a walnut-sized gland that produces semen and good times—the male equivalent of the “g-spot.” But many men are afraid of a little anal pleasure because they think it’ll lead straight to Brown Town, US-GAY. It’s sad, really. After all, we only have so many erogenous zones. You’d think we’d want to leave no orifice unexplored, as was the entire message of Bruce Springsteen’s “Tunnel of Love” album, I’m pretty sure.
So yes, have at it, you smart heterosexual! Just remember to ask your partner to use plenty of lube, and stop if you ever feel pain or see blood. As to how you can “meld prostate massage” into your sex life, that’s really up to your imagination and dexterity, though you probably can’t go wrong with a little two-for-one oral and finger combo. There also are many prostate toys to choose from, should you require additional help. If you are too cheap and/or lazy, you can even make your own butt plug; just make sure it’s a non-porous material, smooth and has a base. The last is especially important if you don’t want to end up in the emergency room explaining how your Little League trophy ended up where the sun don’t shine.
For further ass-istance, toy suggestions and tips, check out The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, which is a book, a blog and a Bravo show waiting to happen all wrapped up in one.