Advice: Where do all the hot lesbians hang out?

Anna, how would you genuinely respond to a new acquaintance who asks in conversation, "So where do all the young, hawt, hip, femme, single lesbians hang out?" Mind you, the question is asked in person (not online or via text where the anonymity warrants a blow-off or obnoxious response)? "Hooters," I want to respond (which may be true). The question irritates me. I find it rude, shallow, obnoxious and superficial, and I would find it so if it came from a man and he was asking me regarding heterosexual women. Or, am I irritated BECAUSE it sounds so much like a man asking regarding hetero women?—Char

My guess is the question irritates you for a few reasons. One, it’s impossible to answer. It’s not like every Thursday they corral all the hot lesbians into a bullpen for everyone to Instagram (#ShowMeTheLezzies). Two, it implies that the usual lesbian meetups (bars, dance parties, the Starbucks on Berwyn) are where the unattractive lesbians go, and the hot ones exist only at undisclosed locations, unbeknownst to the general public. The third reason, if it’s a guy who’s asking, suggests that he wants to know in order to “convert” or hit on ghey ladeez, which is gross. On the other hand, you might also look at it in a flattering way. Someone asking you would presume that you have insider status, that you are ONE OF THEM, as it were. The queer equivalent of The Plastics in “Mean Girls” (The Polar Fleeces?). If a queer gal was inquiring, especially if she was new in town, I’d assume the interest was genuine and help her out. If it was a queer boy asking, I’d assume it was for the supersecret newsletter, “LGBTQ Didn’t See This Newsletter!”

The funny-haha (and funny-tragic) part of the question is that hawt femmes are everywhere; we just don’t notice them because femmes are read as straight and hence are invisible. You could be hitting on one right now and not know it.

Such a question also brings to mind the “lesbians” mythologized in mainstream porn, the hyperfeminine, mostly straight girls who gently pet and admire each other’s eyeshadow for a male audience. Those hot lesbians can be found on your internet browser, day or night, week in and wank out.

Lastly, the question may be irksome to you because it implies that you know all the lesbians in existence. And even though you probably do know a lot of them (even in a big city, queer circles run small), knowing every single lesbian would require a lot more stamina and Feelings Poetry than you probably have time for.

That said, if you don’t want to answer for all of lesbiankind, you have my permission to respond with “Hooters” or not at all, or however else you see fit, depending on the questioner’s intentions.

Now that that’s settled, the next meeting of All the Hot Femmes in the World will be in the Container Store, modular cube aisle. The code word is: Bieber. But you didn’t hear it from me.

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